Almost Easy

Chapter Thirty-Eight:

It feels like I’m a lab rat with all the tests that they’ve been running on me. I’m trying not to think about the inevitable, because I’m scared shitless. Sure, I’ve gotten myself into some tight places before, but this is a new, even for me.

My throat’s dry and I can’t drink anything. My stomach feels like it’s eating itself, but I can’t eat before surgery. Because of all the tests, I haven’t been able to see Brian or Oliver for more than a few minutes.

I’ve never really been claustrophobic, but I’m starting to feel hate the small walls of my hospital room. It feels like I’m in a cage and I’m just waiting for something awful to happen. I hate hospitals. The smell is what always gets to me. They smell like bleach and sickness.

I feel like I’m exploding out of my own skin. I can’t take any of my medications because they don’t want any complications during surgery. I can feel an episode coming on and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s bad enough that I’ve felt like a prisoner to my mind, regularly, but now there’s not a thing I can do. I can’t leave the hospital. I’m not supposed to leave this room.
I have to wait for the rest of the test results. They have to be a hundred percent positive or something.

What if something goes wrong? I trembling violently, now, and I can’t stop. Oh, God. I don’t want to die. There was a time when I was ready to meet my end and I didn’t care about not coming back. I didn’t care about who I leaving behind. I just wanted everything to be over. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. That’s not me – not anymore. I’ve grown up. I’ve grown up, so much, since then. I’m not the same person. I’m not a kid anymore.

I want to be healthy. I want to be better. I just want this to be over.

Tears burned my eyes and blazed down my cheeks. I sobbed into my palm. I was vaguely aware of the room door opening. I didn’t bother looking up. It’s probably another nauseatingly calm orderly or some pompous doctor telling me what’s wrong with me.

I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want any more half-assed reassurances or thinly veiled lies about my outcome. They don’t care about me. They don’t know me. They do this every day. It’s routine for all of them. I’m losing my mind and this is their normal. I don’t know how they do it. I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it.

“Ace,” Brian whispered. My head whipped up and my eyes bored into his. I ignored the ever-present dizziness and focus on the man in front of me. “Hey, don’t cry. I can’t take seeing those beautiful eyes full of tears.” He whispered as he crouched in front of me. I mopped my face, just to have fresh, salty trails coat them, again. He hugged me and kissed my forehead. “In a few hours, this’ll be over and you’ll be in recovery.” He told me.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do. You’re going to be fine. You’re too stubborn not to be. And I’m pretty sure that Doug would have the surgeons killed if they let you die.” He assured me. I snorted against his neck. “If he didn’t, we’d try to.”

“I’ll haunt your ass if you throw your life away like that.” I threatened him. His shook with laughter.

“There’s your spirit. I was wondering where it was.”

“How do you always make me feel better?” I asked him. He shrugged.

“I’m a BAMF.” He answered. I rolled my eyes and nuzzled closer to him. A knock on the door made us pull away a little. I glanced over and saw Zacky and Oliver. Zacky gave me a small wave. He looks nervous. Brian got up and made his way to the door. “I’ll give you guys a minute.” He excused himself before walking out the door and shutting it behind him.

Zacky walked over to me and sat beside me on the hospital bed. Ollie stood by the door and looked at his feet. Zacky put his arm around my shoulders. “How you holdin’ up?” He asked me, softly. I shrugged.

“Not too great,” I answered. He nodded.

“Look, I’ve never had a sister before, but I kind of like having you around, so you have to be okay. It’d be weird going back to being an only child.” He confessed. I chuckled.

“Gee, I love you, too.” I teased.

“Seriously, Dad and I would both be crushed. You’re one of us now, Lydia. You’re an honorary Baker.” He told me, squeezing my shoulder. Shit, he’s making me tear up again. I sniffled and wiped at my eyes before leaning into him.

“I guess you guys are alright.” I told him. He scoffed. “Kidding! I’m kidding! You’re more of a real family than I’ve ever had before. I mean, you guys and Ollie showed me what a family was supposed to be like.” I whispered. Zacky kissed my cheek and gave me another squeeze.

“Enough chick flick moments,” Zacky cleared his throat. “You know we love you and you’re going to be fine.” He announced, before getting up and leaving the room. He’s such a guy. Oliver stayed by the door. He didn’t make any effort to move.

“Are you okay?” I asked him, gently. He shrugged.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” He deflected. I sighed.

“Ollie, it’s okay to freak.” I told him.

“No, actually, it’s not. I’m supposed to stay strong for you.” He argued. I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t want you to pretend around me. You should know me better than that by now.” I pressed. He rubbed his jaw with his hand.

“After my mom… it’s scary as hell to be back here with you. I can’t… I can’t lose you like I lost her.” He whispered. He looked up at me and his face softened. “You can’t die. I can’t lose you, Lyds. You’re too important. You mean too much to me.”

“Come here.” I requested. He walked over to me, slowly. “Your mom had cancer. It’s not the same. You guys said it yourselves; I’ll be fine. Right?” I tried to reassure him. He nodded. He looked over at me and it seemed like something clicked for him. He shook his head and pulled me into his chest.

“I love you. You know that? I’m gonna be right here when you wake up.” He promised me. I hugged him back.

“You don’t have to stay. You should rest. Eat something. Don’t stay here and put yourself through hell.” I told him. He sighed.

“I’ll eat. I won’t be able to sleep. There’s no way in hell that I’m leaving the hospital.” He disputed.

“Fine, I’ll take what I can get.”

“Good. I’m gonna go call Hayden.” He told me, getting up. He opened the door and I saw Brian leaning against the wall opposite of the door. They said something hushed to each other and Ollie walked away. Brian came back inside, leaving the door open.

“Do you feel any better?” Brian asked me, stretching out next to me. I shrugged.

“I’m trying to. If I focus on other things, it’s easier.” I answered. He nodded.

“You know that none of us are leaving; don’t you?” He asked me. I didn’t answer. “Ace, look at me.” He requested. I looked over at him and his sorrowful eyes. “I’m here for you. This isn’t going to scare me away. You know that – right? I’m all in. I’m not letting you go that easily. I care about you, Ace.” He told me.

“I don’t deserve you.” I whispered. “You’re this amazing guy and you deserve so much more than I can give you. I’m not anywhere close to perfect.”

“I don’t care about perfect. I care about you, Ace. You’re not in this alone.” He promised me. Instead of answering him, I pressed my lips to his. He kissed me back, like his life depended on it. We clung to each other and I drank him in like he was my oxygen. I pressed my body against him and he moved me onto my back. He settled on top of me and I hooked my leg around his torso. His lips moved to my neck and I groaned at the sensation.

Something clattered and we froze. We both looked in the direction of the noise and saw my very, unamused doctor.

“Miss Wolf, we need to prep you for surgery.”

“So much for a distraction,” I sighed. Well, here goes nothin’.

Notes

The outcome of her surgery will be posted tomorrow. :)

Vanilla pound cake, moscato, and Ink Master make for an excellent evening.

Predictions? Comments?

PS - You all are amazeballs.

Xoxo,
Katie