Chapter Thirty-Six:

“So, have you guys been getting along?” I asked Brian, as we lounged on the basement couch. The other others are getting snacks before they meet us down here. He looked over at me and nodded.

“Yeah, he’s a great guy.” He told me. I nodded.

“He really is – I’m glad you think so.” I agreed.

“He told me some stuff.”

“Like?” I questioned. He shrugged.

“Some stuff about your past,” he explained. I nodded.

“Vague much?”

“Only with you, Ace,” he winked. I rolled my eyes.

“You’re impossible.”

“You love it.”

---

We spent the better part of the night watching the first few Harry Potter movies. Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t me who suggested it. Johnny is a closet Potterhead. Hayden and Jimmy finally resurfaced halfway through dinner, looking significantly satisfied and thoroughly sexed.
Hayden and Oliver talked me into going to school tomorrow. I told them that skipping wouldn’t be a big deal, but they insisted that they were capable of entertaining themselves for half of the day. I need to buckle down and get my shit together. If I miss much more school, I probably won’t be able to graduate this year. I’m not about to repeat my senior year because of shit I couldn’t control. Sigh. Fucking school.

“You okay?” Brian asked me. I looked up at him and nodded. He pulled off his shirt and got into bed with me. I moved closer to him and used his chest as my pillow.

“Yeah, why?”

“You just seem distant.” He answered. I shrugged.

“I’m just thinking about my mom. She showed up earlier.” I told him.

“Ace…”

“I know – I know. I should’ve said something, but I didn’t want to make a scene. Doug took care of it and she left.” I tried to assure him. He sighed and rubbed my cheek with his thumb.

“Did she try anything?”

“She pulled me out of the car, but I’m fine. I’m pretty sure that she just came by the try and get Doug back in her good graces. I doubt he went for it. He said he was done with her and he’s never gone back on his word to me before.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with everything?” He asked me. I sighed and looked up at him.
“I’m fine. Will you stop asking me that?” I quipped. “Just because I’m bipolar doesn’t mean you need to baby me.” I snapped. He didn’t say anything. I rolled away from him and stood up.
“Doug’s making an appointment with a shrink so you guys’ll understand me better. That way you’ll be educated and know the signs to look for.”

“Signs for what?”

“An episode,” I retorted.

“Ace, you’re taking this the wrong way.” He protested.

“Look, it wasn’t even my idea. Ollie suggested it. He wasn’t wrong. With everything that’s been going down, I’m bound to have a freak out sooner or later. I didn’t say that I was doing this just for you. Just don’t make a big deal out of this, okay?” I asked. I walked into the bathroom.

“Are you going to stay in there?”

“I’m taking a bath.” I told him. I flexed my fingers and cracked my neck. Everything has me tense. I keep picturing worse-case scenarios. Ever since my mother showed, it’s like I’m waiting for the ball to drop. It’s just a matter of time. I know I snapped at him and I also know that he didn’t deserve it. I just want to forget about everything and go to sleep. I want to wake up in the morning and have a normal life. Is that too much to ask? Yeah, probably. I mean, what is ‘normal’, anyway?

I turned on the hot water and put the stopper in the tub. I sprinkled some Epsom salt and bubble bath in the water. I closed the bathroom door and waited for the tub to finish filling up.

It’s too quiet in here. I grabbed my iPod off the counter and plugged it into my dock station and let music fill the bathroom.

Out of place, out of space and time, wide awake, out of papers…
I am not okay.
I am out of my mind.
Out of space, that’s where I been goin’.

To a place where, place where nobody knows...
Floating…
At a pace where now you see me and now you don’t…

I stripped out of my clothes and sank into the hot water. I gripped the sides of the tub, as a sudden wave of light-headedness hit me. Shit. I placed a hand on my forehead and closed my eyes.

I do not feel the fear of falling.
I wanna fly.
If it all goes well, then I will.
But what if I don’t?

I leaned forward and grabbed my loofah. My dizziness isn’t letting up. I know I didn’t hit my head that hard. I probably just need to sleep it off.

I’ll be right where I was before, but I’m not alone.
You said take my hand and we go, and we go, and we go.

I started to scrub my body with lackluster enthusiasm. I didn’t pay much attention to what I was doing. I can’t seem to focus.

Now, my thought’s so cloudy, and my heart’s so crowded with pain.
I’m so frustrated, like my soul’s been taken away.
Broken promise of everything that I thought you were…

I felt an overwhelming rush of nausea hit me. I gagged and hung my head over the side of the tub. What’s wrong with me tonight? I finished washing my body and stepped out of the tub. I emptied the water and walked over to the shower. I flipped on the water and stepped inside, not bothering to wait for the water to adjust. I flinched at the cold spray of water.

I rinsed the suds off of my body and held onto the sides of the shower to steady myself. I leaned on the wall and closed my eyes. I tried to focus on taking a couple of deep breaths. It’s not helping. I blinked my eyes furiously, but everything’s out of focus.

---

I jerked and became very aware of the cold water that I was lying in. I blinked and looked at the wall, trying to will my vision to focus. Why am I in the shower? I pulled myself up and turned off the shower. God, my head hurts. I felt the back of my head and felt a nice-sized bump there. Did I pass out? I just need to sleep this off. I’ll be okay if I just sleep. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do.
I toweled off and shut off my music. I threw my hair up and pulled on an oversized sleep shirt and a clean pair of underwear. I walked back to bed, slowly. Brian sat up and gave me a sad smile.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out on you.” I told him.

“It’s fine, Ace.”

“Can you just hold me?” I asked him.

“Of course,” he answered. I crawled into bed and into his embrace. I closed my eyes and willed myself to drift away to a dreamless slumber. Things will be better in the morning. Everything’ll be fine. It has to be.

Notes

Music Credit:
"3:16 AM" - Jhené Aiko

So, unless the world ends, there will be a chapter up tomorrow! :) Am I the only one that LOATHES grocery shopping? Especially after work, I have zero patience for slow people. Anyways, thank you for all the comments! You all are amazing!

Predictions?

Lots of love,
Katie