McKenna POV.
I stood, tears streaming down my face, watching as Jimmy’s casket was lowered into the ground. Syn stood behind me, his arms tight around my waist. I didn’t have to see him to know that he was crying too. On my left Zacky and Johnny were stood with their girlfriends, all four of them openly sobbing. On my right Val had her arms around Leana. Matt stood next to them, shoulder to shoulder with his father and mother. Almost the entire Huntingdon Beach Pack had showed up to the funeral, plus a large population of the music world. Opposite us, stood Jimmy’s family. I couldn’t even begin to describe the pain that filled me when I saw them. Their son, brother, cousin, uncle, was dead because of me. Because of my Pack. It was just another, large ugly, unhealed scar to add to the rest. Greg had already said that he didn’t hold me responsible. As had Jimmy’s family when I spoke to them. The guys had told me to stop being so fucking stupid, that it wasn’t my fault. But that didn’t lessen the guilt. The official story that had been released was that Jimmy had been accidentally shot by a hunter whilst out walking in the outback with us. In their press statement the guys had described it as ‘a tragic accident’. The priest finished the last rites and people began to file up to put their flowers on the casket. Syn let go of my waist and took hold of my hand. His grip was just as tight as it had been round my waist. We waited until the way up to the casket was clear and then walked up with the rest of the guys and their girlfriends. We all placed a single red or white rose on the casket. The guys spoke a few words to him, then we moved to one side to let Leana and Jimmy’s family come up. I could hardly watch as his mom broke down. I turned and pressed my head into Syn’s chest, unable to watch anymore. He put his arms back round his waist and rested his head against mine.
“Why does everyone good in my life die, Syn?” I whispered, voice muted slightly by his chest. He moved his head and tilted my chin up.
“Everyone dies eventually Mac.” He wiped a couple of tears away before pressing his lips to my forehead. “It wasn’t your fault Mac. None of it was.” I knew that he was talking about more than Jimmy. I looked at everyone else. Slowly, people were filing out of the cemetery.
“Take me home?” He nodded and took my hand, leading me towards the car.

~*~

I stood in the doorway to the music room, Ruby in my arms, watching Syn as he sat playing guitar. It had been three weeks since the funeral. Things were slowly getting easier. Life was slowly returning to normal. But no-one knew quite what the future held, for me, for Avenged Sevenfold. I was still Alpha of Kowrowa Creek Pack. I didn’t know what I wanted to do about that. I’d left my Aunt Adrianne in charge while I came back with Syn. I had to get my head straight before I made a decision about the pack and my leadership. I just didn’t know what that decision would be. Smiling softly, I kissed Ruby on the nose and set her on the floor. She waddled off towards Syn, tail wagging like a little metronome. Slowly, I followed her. He paused in his playing as Ruby jumped up at his legs. He smiled at her and petted her head fondly.
“What you doing?” I asked. He frowned at a slightly crumpled piece of paper on the chair next to him.
“Writing.” He looked up and his eyes met mine. “For Jimmy.” I could still see the pain in his eyes, the grief. I could still feel it inside me. No matter how normal things become, they were never going to be the same. This pain would never go away. He moved his guitar off his lap and I sat down, wrapping my arms around his neck. Once he’d laid the guitar on the floor, his arms wrapped securely around my waist. His face buried in my hair. “I never thought that writing a song could be this hard.”
“It’s not necessarily the song, it’s the meaning behind the song.” I replied.
“I know. It’s strange. Me and Matt have always had Jimmy to fall back on when we got stuck on lyrics. It feels strange to be writing without him.” I shifted and kissed his temple.
“Everything feels strange now.” He nodded his agreement into my neck. He placed a soft kiss in the crook of my neck. “Can I see the lyrics?” I asked quietly, curious to see what Syn had written. Syn moved of his hands from my waist and picked up the piece of paper. I took it carefully off him and began to read.
Never feared for anything.
Never shamed but never free.
A laugh that healed the broken heart with all that it could.
Lived the life so endlessly.
Saw beyond what others see.
I tried to heal your broken heart with all that I could.
Will you stay?
Will you stay away forever?

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it's burned.
Place and time always on my mind.
I have so much to say but you're so far away.

Plans of what our features hold
Foolish lies of growing old
It seems we're so invincible, the truth is so cold.
A final song, a last request
A perfect chapter laid to rest
Now and then I try to find a place in my mind.
Where you can say,
You can stay awake forever.
I looked up, unshed tears blurring my vision.
“It’s perfect.” Syn frowned.
“There’s so much more that I want to write, I just…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “I just can’t find the right words.” I reached round and set the lyrics back down before standing up. I took his hand and pulled him to his feet and into another hug. I lifted my head up and kissed him tenderly.
“You’ll find them. You always do. It’ll just take time. Come on, I’ve made lunch.” I took hold of his hand and led him out of the music room.

~*~

I stood staring down at Jimmy’s headstone. I sank slowly to my knees. I searched my mind for the words to say. Nothing inspiring came. Carefully, I placed the bunch of wild poppies just in front of the headstone. I swallowed, trying to moisten my dry throat. I ran my thumb across the slender gold band that sat on my finger and began to speak.
“I’m not really sure what to say here Jim. I miss you. We all do. But I guess that you know that already. I’m sorry. Even after all of this time, I can’t find it in my heart to forgive myself for what happened to you. I know you’d freaking kill me for it, but I just can’t.” I frowned. “Things are so different now. Without you. Everything’s changed.” Tears slowly began to build in my eyes. “A year and a half is a long time. Things have moved on. Sevenfold is still going strong. It took some effort, but they finished the album that you started. They called it Nightmare. You’d love it. Mike Portnoy helped them finish it. He even toured it with them.” I paused and laughed slightly. ““You’d never believe it, but I’m still Alpha of Kowrowa Creek.” I shook my head. “I don’t know what possessed me. I’ve always wanted free of that Pack, and here I am leading it. I don’t know. I guess that I just couldn’t let it go. Something inside me wouldn’t let it go.” I stared at the headstone, as if it would give me answers. “It was you wasn’t it? You wanted me to lead them.” I got no reply. Not that I really expected one anyway. “I guess that I should thank you. I’m not saying that it’s easy, but I’m enjoying it. It’s been easier having Syn, Matt and Greg to rely on.” I glanced down at my hand again. “We got married eight months ago. I can’t actually describe what it’s like to be Mrs McKenna Liana Haner. For the most part it’s crazy. For the rest…I don’t know. But I love it. I love him. I can’t believe how far we’ve come. Not that we don’t argue. Jesus, we still do our fair share of that, and probably some of Matt and Val’s too. They’ve had a kid, you know. A beautiful baby girl; Bella. She’s nine months old.” I glanced down at my clasped hands again. “They’re not the only ones. Yeah, that’s right. Me and Syn are going to be parents. Shit I’m terrified Jimmy. I found out yesterday. I think that’s part of the reason I came here today. You always knew what to say. Fucking hell, it scares me that life can move on so quickly without you. Without the people that we love. Sometimes I wonder what you would say to us, if you could see us now. I wonder what my mum would say. What my Gran would say. I’d like to think that you would be proud of me. Happy for me. All three of you. If you see them up there, do me a favour will ya? Say ‘what’s up’ to them. Tell them that I love them. That I miss them. That I think about them every day. I think about you every day too. Life just isn’t the same without you around Jim.” I sighed and wiped away the tears. I pushed myself to my feet. “Well, I’ve got to go. I need to go tell Syn that he’s going to be a dad.” I shook my head and laughed. “That’s going to be a fun job. I don’t know what the future holds Jim, but I’ll make sure that the world damn remembers you. That my son or daughter knows what an awesome man their Uncle Jimmy was. We’ll see each other again one day Jim. I know we will. Until then.” I blew a kiss at the gravestone. As I walked away, I could swear that the wind picked up slightly. Just enough to stir my hair and blow across my cheek. Just like Jimmy’s final caress.