Life's A Riot.
Twenty Two.
JC POV.
I stared at myself in my full length mirror. I looked like I’d been to hell and back over the past two weeks, and in a way, I had. My hair had grown even longer, the blonde roots were now at least an inch long and the once dark brown colour was fading out, whilst the pink was now non-existent. My eyes seemed sunken with dark circles underneath, even my make-up couldn’t fully hide them. My cheeks were gaunt and my whole face was pale. I didn’t look like me, I looked more like a ghost of me, a shadow of what I once was. My whole world had been turned upside down and I didn’t know how to fix it. And now here I was, stood in a black skirt and blouse as I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to force myself to walk out of my room and face the reality. Jimmy was being buried today. Today was the day that I had to finally say goodbye. Let go. And start to move on. I wanted to just hide under the covers and pretend that it was all a horrible, surreal nightmare. But I couldn’t. He was gone, the funeral yesterday had made that painfully clear. I’d been living in the past, in my memories, for the past two weeks. I had to move on. I just didn’t want to take those steps. It was as if when I left the room, I was accepting that I had to go on, that he was gone and that my life would change. I didn’t want my life to change. But it was going to, and I had to accept that. My thoughts were running round in circles, they were stopped by the door opening. Johnny walked in. He looked as bad as I did. Somehow, we were all getting each other through this. I didn’t know what I would have done without the guys and the girls – and yes Syn is included in that. It was odd to see him in a suit, but then it was odd to see me in a pencil skirt. I shoved the pain into a box in the corner of my brain as I walked over to him. I needed to be there for my brother and my best friends, no matter how difficult it was for me. We hugged each other tightly before speaking.
“Everyone else is downstairs, if you’re ready.” I nodded and walked out of the room with him.
~*~
I stared as they lower Jimmy’s casket into the ground. I felt numb. It was almost surreal. Johnny’s arms were around me. Tears fell down my cheeks in a constant, unstopping, silent flow, my waterproof mascara suddenly turning not so waterproof. I knew that Johnny was crying too. So much for being there for my brother. I’d turned into an emotional wreck as soon as I’d got out of the car. I was aware of someone behind me, an arm touching Johnny’s shoulder.
“I got her. Lacey needs you.” It was Syn’s voice. Johnny looked at me. I nodded, knowing that Lacey needed him more than I did. He released his hold on me and turned to Lacey, who was crying next to him. Syn’s arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me into him. I leaned into him, the tears falling harder as the priest began to say the final words. I closed my eyes and rested my head on Syn’s shoulder, the smell of his Marlboros and cologne surrounding me. His forehead rested on the top of my head.
“We’ll get through this Cait. We will. We have to.” I nodded, my eyes still closed. We stayed like that for another couple of minutes, the Priest still speaking. I opened my eyes as I felt someone’s gaze on me. I looked up to see Michelle stood on the other side of the grave, glaring at me. I was suddenly aware of how the situation looked. I went to pull out of Syn’s arms, but his grip tightened. “Don’t. Not because of her. We know the truth. It’s Jimmy’s funeral, she should have more fucking respect.” I didn’t say anything, but stayed in him arms. I needed the comfort of just being close to a friend. My gaze broke away from Michelle, looking around the rest of the people gathered. I stopped at the sight of Leana sobbing in Val’s arms, Val crying silently and Matt, one of the toughest guys I knew, stood behind them, his own tears falling thick and fast. I felt my heart break all over again at the sight. Leana and Jimmy had been so in love. She hadn’t deserved this. I felt Syn’s arms move from my waist, snapping me out of my thoughts. It was over. His arm rested around my shoulders instead.
“Come on, let’s go home.”
~*~
As soon as we got home, I shut myself in my bathroom and ran myself a hot bath, trying to soak away the pain. I didn’t know how long I was in there, I even lost track of the music that I was listening to as it just blurred into background noise. The only thing that I could concentrate on was my book, absorbing myself the fictional reality. The water was cold when I finally got out. I sat on the edge of the bath, wrapped in my thick fluffy bath towel, as the water drained. My hands rested in my lap. I stared down at my unmarked wrists. No signs remained of the darker time in my life. I hadn’t cut in years, not since I was a young teenager trapped in a world that I’d never wanted to be a part of. The sudden urge was stronger than it had been in years. I continued to stare, my hands shaking as I thought about it. Finally I shook my head and stood. No. I wasn’t going to. I promised Johnny that I never would again and I meant it. Besides, Jimmy would have killed me for doing it if he was still here and would never have wanted to be the cause for me starting again. I dried myself off and threw on a pair of trackies and a vest top. I dumped my dirty clothes in the hamper and retied my hair in its messy ponytail before leaving the bathroom. Once in my room, I discovered Syn sat on the edge of my bed surrounded my all five of my dogs and Pinkly. He stood once I entered the room.
“What’s up?” I asked , scratching Shay’s head as he wandered over.
“Johnny went over to Lacey’s.” I nodded, I’d expected him to, to be honest. Most people would think that I’d be pissed that he’d chosen his girlfriend over his twin. I didn’t see it like that. He loved her, he needed to be with her. I couldn’t give him the same comfort that she could. I knew that he wasn’t choosing her over me. I t wasn’t like that at all. Lacey was already like my sister-in-law. I wasn’t attached at the hip to Johnny, I could cope without him. “So I was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie?” I smiled and nodded again. I followed him out of my room and was surprised when he headed to his room instead of the lounge. He glanced back at me as he pushed open the door to his room. “Is this ok? We could go downstairs if you’re more comfortable down there.” I shook my head.
“No, it’s fine. I don’t mind.” I took a seat on his bed while he rummaged through the films.
“Anything in particular that you want?” I was feeling slightly better after losing myself in my book, so I decided that something totally fantastical would be a good idea.
“Lord of the Rings.” He rolled his eyes at me, while he searched through his DVD’s.
“Please, you just want to ogle Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen.” I grinned and winked.
“Don’cha know it.” He glanced over his shoulder at me.
“Which one?”
“The first one.” He obligingly put the Fellowship of the Ring into his DVD player.
~*~
We were about halfway through the film when Syn started to fall asleep. Despite my very feeble protests, I was sat leaning against him, while he had both of his arms around my waist. It should have been awkward, but it was only comfortable. I smiled as his head fell onto the pillow. He seriously is far too good-looking for his own good – even when he’s asleep. He looked peaceful too. Carefully I tried to move out of his arms so that I could head back to my own room. The slight movement woke him up. He frowned sleepily at me as I sat upright.
“Cait? What’s up?” I smiled gently at him.
“You’re falling asleep, I was going to let you sleep.” I explained.
“Don’t go.” I looked at him curiously. “Stay. I …” He paused and frowned slightly as he stumbled over don’t want to be alone, not after today.” His eyes met mine and I saw something that shocked me in those incredibly chocolate brown depths; vulnerability. The Synyster Gates that I knew was never vulnerable. Never. I smiled again and nodded, sliding back into his arms. He’d been there for me when I’d needed him. Even if we argued a lot, we were still friends – kind of. I’d always be there for my friends. Besides, it was comfortable and I couldn’t deny that I was enjoying it. It wasn’t long before both of us were asleep.
I stared at myself in my full length mirror. I looked like I’d been to hell and back over the past two weeks, and in a way, I had. My hair had grown even longer, the blonde roots were now at least an inch long and the once dark brown colour was fading out, whilst the pink was now non-existent. My eyes seemed sunken with dark circles underneath, even my make-up couldn’t fully hide them. My cheeks were gaunt and my whole face was pale. I didn’t look like me, I looked more like a ghost of me, a shadow of what I once was. My whole world had been turned upside down and I didn’t know how to fix it. And now here I was, stood in a black skirt and blouse as I stared at myself in the mirror, trying to force myself to walk out of my room and face the reality. Jimmy was being buried today. Today was the day that I had to finally say goodbye. Let go. And start to move on. I wanted to just hide under the covers and pretend that it was all a horrible, surreal nightmare. But I couldn’t. He was gone, the funeral yesterday had made that painfully clear. I’d been living in the past, in my memories, for the past two weeks. I had to move on. I just didn’t want to take those steps. It was as if when I left the room, I was accepting that I had to go on, that he was gone and that my life would change. I didn’t want my life to change. But it was going to, and I had to accept that. My thoughts were running round in circles, they were stopped by the door opening. Johnny walked in. He looked as bad as I did. Somehow, we were all getting each other through this. I didn’t know what I would have done without the guys and the girls – and yes Syn is included in that. It was odd to see him in a suit, but then it was odd to see me in a pencil skirt. I shoved the pain into a box in the corner of my brain as I walked over to him. I needed to be there for my brother and my best friends, no matter how difficult it was for me. We hugged each other tightly before speaking.
“Everyone else is downstairs, if you’re ready.” I nodded and walked out of the room with him.
~*~
I stared as they lower Jimmy’s casket into the ground. I felt numb. It was almost surreal. Johnny’s arms were around me. Tears fell down my cheeks in a constant, unstopping, silent flow, my waterproof mascara suddenly turning not so waterproof. I knew that Johnny was crying too. So much for being there for my brother. I’d turned into an emotional wreck as soon as I’d got out of the car. I was aware of someone behind me, an arm touching Johnny’s shoulder.
“I got her. Lacey needs you.” It was Syn’s voice. Johnny looked at me. I nodded, knowing that Lacey needed him more than I did. He released his hold on me and turned to Lacey, who was crying next to him. Syn’s arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me into him. I leaned into him, the tears falling harder as the priest began to say the final words. I closed my eyes and rested my head on Syn’s shoulder, the smell of his Marlboros and cologne surrounding me. His forehead rested on the top of my head.
“We’ll get through this Cait. We will. We have to.” I nodded, my eyes still closed. We stayed like that for another couple of minutes, the Priest still speaking. I opened my eyes as I felt someone’s gaze on me. I looked up to see Michelle stood on the other side of the grave, glaring at me. I was suddenly aware of how the situation looked. I went to pull out of Syn’s arms, but his grip tightened. “Don’t. Not because of her. We know the truth. It’s Jimmy’s funeral, she should have more fucking respect.” I didn’t say anything, but stayed in him arms. I needed the comfort of just being close to a friend. My gaze broke away from Michelle, looking around the rest of the people gathered. I stopped at the sight of Leana sobbing in Val’s arms, Val crying silently and Matt, one of the toughest guys I knew, stood behind them, his own tears falling thick and fast. I felt my heart break all over again at the sight. Leana and Jimmy had been so in love. She hadn’t deserved this. I felt Syn’s arms move from my waist, snapping me out of my thoughts. It was over. His arm rested around my shoulders instead.
“Come on, let’s go home.”
~*~
As soon as we got home, I shut myself in my bathroom and ran myself a hot bath, trying to soak away the pain. I didn’t know how long I was in there, I even lost track of the music that I was listening to as it just blurred into background noise. The only thing that I could concentrate on was my book, absorbing myself the fictional reality. The water was cold when I finally got out. I sat on the edge of the bath, wrapped in my thick fluffy bath towel, as the water drained. My hands rested in my lap. I stared down at my unmarked wrists. No signs remained of the darker time in my life. I hadn’t cut in years, not since I was a young teenager trapped in a world that I’d never wanted to be a part of. The sudden urge was stronger than it had been in years. I continued to stare, my hands shaking as I thought about it. Finally I shook my head and stood. No. I wasn’t going to. I promised Johnny that I never would again and I meant it. Besides, Jimmy would have killed me for doing it if he was still here and would never have wanted to be the cause for me starting again. I dried myself off and threw on a pair of trackies and a vest top. I dumped my dirty clothes in the hamper and retied my hair in its messy ponytail before leaving the bathroom. Once in my room, I discovered Syn sat on the edge of my bed surrounded my all five of my dogs and Pinkly. He stood once I entered the room.
“What’s up?” I asked , scratching Shay’s head as he wandered over.
“Johnny went over to Lacey’s.” I nodded, I’d expected him to, to be honest. Most people would think that I’d be pissed that he’d chosen his girlfriend over his twin. I didn’t see it like that. He loved her, he needed to be with her. I couldn’t give him the same comfort that she could. I knew that he wasn’t choosing her over me. I t wasn’t like that at all. Lacey was already like my sister-in-law. I wasn’t attached at the hip to Johnny, I could cope without him. “So I was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie?” I smiled and nodded again. I followed him out of my room and was surprised when he headed to his room instead of the lounge. He glanced back at me as he pushed open the door to his room. “Is this ok? We could go downstairs if you’re more comfortable down there.” I shook my head.
“No, it’s fine. I don’t mind.” I took a seat on his bed while he rummaged through the films.
“Anything in particular that you want?” I was feeling slightly better after losing myself in my book, so I decided that something totally fantastical would be a good idea.
“Lord of the Rings.” He rolled his eyes at me, while he searched through his DVD’s.
“Please, you just want to ogle Orlando Bloom and Viggo Mortensen.” I grinned and winked.
“Don’cha know it.” He glanced over his shoulder at me.
“Which one?”
“The first one.” He obligingly put the Fellowship of the Ring into his DVD player.
~*~
We were about halfway through the film when Syn started to fall asleep. Despite my very feeble protests, I was sat leaning against him, while he had both of his arms around my waist. It should have been awkward, but it was only comfortable. I smiled as his head fell onto the pillow. He seriously is far too good-looking for his own good – even when he’s asleep. He looked peaceful too. Carefully I tried to move out of his arms so that I could head back to my own room. The slight movement woke him up. He frowned sleepily at me as I sat upright.
“Cait? What’s up?” I smiled gently at him.
“You’re falling asleep, I was going to let you sleep.” I explained.
“Don’t go.” I looked at him curiously. “Stay. I …” He paused and frowned slightly as he stumbled over don’t want to be alone, not after today.” His eyes met mine and I saw something that shocked me in those incredibly chocolate brown depths; vulnerability. The Synyster Gates that I knew was never vulnerable. Never. I smiled again and nodded, sliding back into his arms. He’d been there for me when I’d needed him. Even if we argued a lot, we were still friends – kind of. I’d always be there for my friends. Besides, it was comfortable and I couldn’t deny that I was enjoying it. It wasn’t long before both of us were asleep.
7/16/13