Although I liked living with Mason, I couldn’t help but think of home, I’d been here for three days now, we hadn’t really done much, I think that Mason could tell I wasn’t really myself, he’d asked me what was wrong and if I was okay, but I’d just told him that I was fine or that I was tired.

Right now I’m lying in his arms on the sofa, the tv is on but I’m not really watching it, I’m just enjoying being in someone’s arms. But as I lay there I couldn’t help but let my mind drift off to Zacky and what he was doing, I hadn’t called him since I walked out the other day, he hadn’t called me either, but that was probably because my phone was turned off, thinking about it I should probably turn it on and see if he’d called me.

“I’m gonna go get my phone and call Zacky, see if he’s alright” I said

“Okay babe” He said, he kissed me and smiled; I gave him a weak smile and got up off the sofa.

My phone was on the bedside table in Mason’s room; I sat on the edge of the bed, picked it up and switched it on. Almost immediately it started flashing, I had three messages and eight missed calls. Two messages were from Zacky, one was from Johnny, three calls were from Zacky, and two were from my Mom, and the rest were from individual people.

I scrolled through my contacts until I can to Zacky’s number. He got ahold of my phone when I got it and saved his number as ‘Zacky babes XOXO BMFL’ at first I’d looked at him like ‘What the fuck’? But then I saw the funny side of it and decided not to change it.

I pressed the green button and waited, it rang through until it went to voice mail where you could hear his voice, and mine in the background yelling that he was an idiot.

“Hi Zacky” I said “I uh… I was going to come home today to do some laundry and stuff, so I just wanted to… make sure that it was okay for me to come over, so yeah… I’ll see you later” and then I hung up.

I sighed and rubbed my face, resting my elbow on my knee.

“You okay babe?” Mason was in the doorway.

“Yeah Zacky’s just not answering his phone”

“Why is that an issue?”

“He always answers his phone, and also I think he’s still pissed at me”

“Why would he be pissed off at you?”

“We had a huge argument before I came over here, that’s why I came here, because I didn’t want to be there”

“Okay… are you going back today?”

“I need to get some more clothes and stuff, so I have to”

“Want me to come with you?”

“No it’s okay, I need to talk to him anyway, he’s had three days to calm down, so I think it’ll be
okay”

“Okay, well I need to take those decks over to Paddy today anyway, so how about later on we go out for dinner or something?”

“Yeah sounds like a nice idea” I stood up and hugged him.

“Shall I come and pick you up from yours and take you out or are you coming back here?”

“You can come pick me up if you like” I smiled at him.

“I can do” He grinned and kissed me “Okay well I’ve gotta go, but I’ll see you later”

I nodded and kissed him one more time before he let go of me and went to get his coat on.
I pulled on my shoes and ran a brush through my hair, before grabbing my bag and leaving the flat too, going down to my car and getting in.

The whole ride home I was nervous as hell, I had no idea what I was going to find when I got there, I didn’t even know if Zacky was gonna be there, but either way I was practically shaking when I got there.

I unlocked the door and went inside, dropping my bag on the floor by the door and kicking my shoes off.

“Zacky?” I called out. Nothing. I checked the kitchen and the office, living room and the bathroom, the last room I checked was his room, he was curled up in his bed fast asleep. I thought it was adorable until my eyes fell on the numerous vodka bottles that were on the floor, there were a lot of empty beer cans and a wine bottle. “Oh Zacky” I whispered, biting down on my lip as tears stung my eyes, I’d only been gone three days.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag, throwing all the empty bottles and beer cans in the bag before putting it back in the kitchen. I got a drink of water for him and went back into his room; he was lying on his back now, breathing heavily.

“Zacky” I said shaking his shoulder gently. “Zacky” I said again, slowly his eyes fluttered open, his eyes were red, evidently he was hung over, but I had a feeling that he’d been crying too. “Hi” I said

“Riley?” He looked confused “You left me”

“I promised I was coming back, I’m back”

“You came back” He repeated, still looking confused.

“Yeah, I promised you I would”

“Are you staying?”

“I don’t know yet”

“Don’t leave me again”

“I’m still thinking about things”

He bit his lip and rolled back onto his side, he looked like he was gonna cry again.

“Zacky why were all those bottles in here?” He shrugged. “I’m sorry” I said “I caused that”

“No you didn’t”

“Don’t tell me I didn’t”

“You didn’t”

I sighed.

“Stop being difficult”

“You’re being difficult”

“I’m not, I’m trying to sort my head out, Zacky I can’t just… how can you expect me to get over that just like that… it’s not something that I can take lightly… don’t hate me because I’m so confused”

“I don’t hate you, you said you’d never hate me”

“I don’t hate you”

“But you’re pissed at me”

“No I’m pissed off at myself”

“Why?”

“Dammit Zacky because I have a boyfriend and I slept with my best friend and I don’t have any idea what that means!”

“It means that you’re trying to ignore how you feel”

“I’m not ignoring anything”

“If you’re not ignoring your feelings then what are you doing?”

“I can’t ignore the feelings that don’t exist Zacky!”

“So if I kissed you again you’d push me away because there was nothing there”

“Yes!” Would I? Would I really push him away again. I guess I was about to find out because Zacky took my hand and pulled me down, his hand on the back of my hand so that I couldn’t pull away, and his lips were on mine. His kissed me roughly, his tongue invading my mouth, I shifted so that I was straddling him, and then lying on top of him.

I knew that he knew I wasn’t going to pull away anytime soon, Zacky was a bastard, he knew that I wouldn’t, he knew that those feelings were there, he knew that I liked him too, and that I’d never realised it until now. Fucker.

Eventually he pulled away.

“When exactly where you going to push me away”

“Fuck you Zacky” I said starting to get off him, but he stopped me, grabbing my waist and rolling us over so that he was hovering over me.

“Riley why are you doing this?”

“Zacky what do you expect me to do? I find out that you’re in love with me, we slept together, I left because I couldn’t handle it, and then I come back and you kiss me again and I’m just left so damn confused because you’ve been my best friend for twenty three years, what the fuck do you want me to do?”

“Tell me that you love me too”

“But I can’t”

“Why not, Riley I know you do, why can’t you?”

“Because I’m scared”

“What of, It’s only me”

“Because I’ve always had them and I only just realised it, and I don’t know how I’m gonna tell Mason or anyone else and what about Gena and everyone else that’s gonna hate me after—“ He cut me off, kissing me. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, this felt good, it felt almost natural kissing Zacky, it felt like maybe, it really was meant to be, and

I was genuinely starting to question how I never fell in love with him sooner.

But I think I had been, I’d been falling in love with my best friend for years, and I never even realised it.

Notes

Title credit: Hero - Enrique Ilglesias