I had done the complete opposite of what Jimmy had advised me to do. Instead of going home to talk to Chris I decided to hit the bar and to get drunk, just wanting to forget everything. I only wanted one night without any problems where I would have no limits to myself as far as it went with my thoughts, confusion and well…. Alcohol. Booze always helped me think even more than going to the lake, maybe because I became more free, no inhibitions. It didn’t feel wrong to think anything that normally would feel just bizarre and completely out of the questions. When I drank I allowed myself to think about things I normally would not think about and in those cases, I would get even more clear minded and know better what to do.

But, before I actually went to get plastered I needed some appropriate clothes for being in a bar that practically was like a night club at this hour. Also I still had the clothes I wore on the beach on but with a different tank top on so I needed clothes without sand in them. So I had driven into town to a store that I knew would be open at this time at night because Laura worked there, because of her job she needed to handle papers about the deliveries regarding the latest garments from well-known designers. She often stayed up late to review some of the clothes she had worn and made sure that everything was paid for as well as contacting the people from the designers’ company that she could present the items on her to the press and media.

The boutique was pretty small but looked like it was in style; everything was in fashion and practically followed the rules of minimalism and the ‘less is more’. It looked clean and spacious since the place was mainly in black and white along with some blue and green colors on the furniture’s and walls.
I had been correct when I had buzzed the door, Laura had walked out in a chic looking dress and looked rather tired but when I told her that I felt like I needed an outfit change she lit up and allowed me to use, well more like forced me to use a really expensive bustier that was covered in really golden pins that looked a bit bronzy.

She had given me a pair of black studded shorts that were high in the waist and a pair of orange pumps to actually make the dark outfit pop. My make-up was the same and I didn’t bother with doing anything with my hair since it was naturally pretty wavy and had a lot of volume to it. It was rare when I actually did my hair except for when I was on the set or at some party; there were days where I just wanted to have something different so I would curl my hair to perfection. After my lovely Laura had finished dressing me up and saying that she would take back the heels since they matched with her hair after I was done with them tonight, I left.

At the moment I was sitting at the bar we all used to hang out in when I lived here. Johnny’s bar and grill. The same bartender was still working there and he had remembered me as I introduced myself after he wondered what my name was. His name was Hank and he was a man in his sixties, his arms were covered in some faded tattoos and his hair was short, grey, in some places he was bald.
Hank had always been a pretty closed off guy but since I had known him since I was sixteen and he had caught me with my first fake ID, he became like an uncle to me. When I would visit we would always talk and even if I didn’t ask for it, he would always give me advice and make sure that I wouldn’t do anything stupid.

“Hey Hank” I greeted as I slid on to one of the red leather barstools. The stool made a horrible screeching noise as it slowly turned when I sat on it causing small goose bumps to prickle on my neck. I gave him a small smile as I leaned forward on the bar counter, my chin placed on my hands. My arms were resting on the edge of the counter.

He looked up to me as he dried one of the beer glasses from the inside with a white towel, smiling. “Hey kiddo.” He spoke in his dark, soft voice. “What can I get ya?”

He placed the clean and dry beer glass under the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. I contemplated on getting Jägermeister (Jaegermeister) since it was a favorite of mine, beer or just some whiskey. In the end I went for one shot of Jägermeister and told him after that to keep bringing me some Tullamore Dew whiskey when I finished drinking a glass.

I exhaled as I swallowed the great tasting liquid, feeling the slight burn as it ran down my throat and further. Jäger always had this addicting smell to it and I loved how it tasted just like it smelled but it was a deceiving beverage. You really didn’t realize how much you could drink of it until you suddenly were drunk of your ass.

After I had managed to gulp down three glasses of Whiskey, I felt at ease and it felt a bit easier to think. My mind felt like the chains and locks I had on them had been loosened and cracked, now I could actually think.

“Something wrong, kiddo?” Hank asked me, concern written all over his face and I shook my head, grabbing my glass and gesturing him to refill it. He smacked his lips together and took my glass, replacing it with different one filled with the same drink. I looked up as I received the glass seeing him opening and closing his mouth like he wanted to say something.

“Guy problems.” I muttered bitter once again. The tone of my voice might have tipped Hank off to leave it at that and for me to deal with the problems on my own. Now I was left in my own little world and I decided to go through everything, from the beginning.

When I had moved to New York it had been a rash and completely unprepared decision, everything had been hectic that the first year I had practically been force to push all thoughts and misery of Brian in the back of my mind. I had to find a place to live that I could afford at the moment since the show was a new one and we didn’t get that much money as salary. Then it there was all the acting classes I had to take and I wanted to take, since I felt like practice made perfect and if there was something new I could learn to make myself more believable I would do it. It cost a lot of money and time, time that Id didn’t have but because of me going minus with my economy I took a job at a local diner as a waitress. I worked there for about six months then I quit as the show got nominated for an Emmy and won it, which automatically had increased our salaries tenfold because more people were going to watch it now.

‘Murders Edge’ was a hit the first year , it was a bit different from the usual C.S.I series and shows. In this show you not only got to see it from the main characters view, which would be me and how they would try to find the murderer, you would also see the victims points of views and that would leave the audience clues to who could have committed the murders. That was probably the thing I loved and appreciated the most about that program because it allowed the viewers to think and put pieces together but still keeping the mystery since the clues were still pretty vague.

Then after a year and two seasons with ‘Murders Edge’ we were once again on set to shoot episodes for the new season and we would have some special guests in some episodes. That was when I met Chris, he was playing the murderer that was mental and loved keeping small parts of the victims’ bodies in his containers hiding behind food in a fridge. That was also a part of my life where everything had settled down a bit and my life was slowly getting puzzled back together piece by piece.

I had gotten a good, spacious and loveable apartment on the good side of the city that was decorated in modern furniture. Everything about that apartment was amazing, the warm colors, the view of Central Park and that it was close to everything. When I had moved in and made myself a home I had quit my job as a waitress I finally managed to slow down a bit.

That time was where all of my thoughts, misery and hurt from Brian decided to make their appearance. My mind had been pretty much all over the place and so had my feelings, truth be told I had been feeling miserable and just hurt. It was like my heart was in Brian’s hands but he had ripped it apart in two parts. One part that would always love him and the other that would despise him for all he put me through during the years only to do this.

Chris had been a comfort as he came into my life at that time and basically a distraction from Brian. He completely had erased all of the thoughts of Brian and stitched my heart back together. My life had been pure bliss ever since Chris had come into my life…and maybe that was because he had been distracting me from anything related to Brian.

Then it hit me. Not that I wanted to quite believe it since I really did believe that I loved Chris from the bottom of my heart but since he had been a distraction from the time all of the bottled up feelings about Brian had resurfaced… Was he my rebound?

Rebounds usually just helped you deal with the pain of being alone and made you feel wanted again but I had to love Chris right? Sure he had been there through that horrible time in my life and seen me sob, practically embarrassing myself about Brian but that only proved that he was willing to go through things with me and let me release the burden of Brian.

Chris might have been right, sure I wasn’t in love with Brian but it could very well be that I still loved him since I had not really dropped all things about him. I would admit that Chris was right but that to me would only prove that he was a rebound, a distraction from Brian and I didn’t want that… or did I?