“I just don’t get it Jimmy,” you fumed.

You and Jimmy were in the back of the Avenged bus alone watching television as everyone else was, well somewhere else.

“Get what?” Jimmy asked from his spot next to you on the couch.

“It all. I, I mean. Well what do you think of Jeph and I’s relationship?” you asked, wanting to know his opinion.

“Well up until your first fight here on tour I thought it was picture perfect. Like cherry pie. All American with whipped cream, ice cream and everything,” Jimmy replied eyes not leaving the television screen.

“Right I get that. But I mean tell me really,” you sighed as you stared at his side profile.

Slowly you saw him exhale and then turn to face you and meet you dead on stare wise.

“You want to know truthfully?” Jimmy asked carefully.

“No, I just asked you, you of all people, because I wanted you to lie to my freaking face,” you exasperated.

“Fine. What I just said was the truth. It was picture perfect and as much as I love the both of you, I saw it being doomed from the start. It was too sweet, sickeningly sweet actually. It was too picture perfect, real life isn’t like that. And then you guys had your big blow out and I thought hey maybe this could work. But I don’t know anymore Kales, I really don’t. Why do you ask?” Jimmy asked, sounding concerned as he placed a hand on your cheek softly.

“Because, because. Oh hell, because I get this feeling that while we’re perfect together that we’re too perfect together and that something is missing. Have you seen us lately? I mean I’m not one to complain about the sex, but it’s, it’s. Well it’s you know, rough and fast and what have you. And hell I’m all for that kind of sex, I love it. But somethings just not there. And I don’t know what’s suppose to be there and it’s killing me. And it seems that all we are now is sex, and well, I just told you how that’s going. I just don’t know,” you sighed brokenly as you leaned against Jimmy’s comforting hand.

“Oh hun,” Jimmy said softly as he held your head up with his hand as you closed your eyes.

“You know Jeph loves you,” Jimmy offered softly as if trying to reassure you.

“I know he does, but then again so do you. And I don’t see us tying the knot or romping through the hay,” you teased as you lifted your face off his hand.

“Oh god that’s an awful thought,” Jimmy said in a mock scared tone.

“Oh jeez thanks big guy,” you said teasingly as you hit him playfully.

“Oh come on. I mean you know I love you, just not in that way. I’d die for you, go to the ends of the earth with you for no reason at all other then just to see it. But, but, it’s just not that kind of love,” Jimmy said, sounding as if he was grasping at verbal straws.

“Oh I know Jimmy, and that’s the thing. There’s two different kinds of love and I just don’t know if Jeph loves me in that kind of way anymore. And so help me if he doesn’t because I think I love him that kind of way. Or maybe not, maybe that’s what my body and mind are trying to tell me. But if I don’t, then, then what else is there? I had thought that this was what it was, truthfully,” you sighed as you shook your bangs around and off your face, blowing a stray piece of green out of your eyes.

“Maybe it’s not. I’d hate to see you go through that, again. But this could be what it is. Maybe someone else is meant for you. Maybe you’ll find whatever kind of love it is you’re looking for,” Jimmy said reassuringly.

“I’m looking for all the kinds of love rolled into one. The love of a best friend, the love of someone whose known me forever and knows me inside and out, the love of someone who will fuck my brains out but also make love to me. The love of someone who will dance in the rain with me, play in the snow, should we ever see it. The love of someone who will tell me to my face when I’m being a bitch but will also lie to me and say no my ass doesn’t look fat in those jeans. That’s what I want, and a whole lot more. And I really think that if Jeph isn’t it then I’ve really blown any chance of finding it. You only get so many chances,” you said feeling utterly exhausted after emptying yourself out and coming at least somewhat face to face with what had been eating away at you inside.

Jimmy was silent as you looked at him, as if he was thinking.

“Come on Jimmy, you always have the answers. Always have. You’re all knowing, just tell me something,” you pleaded a little, catching a massive yawn as it broke out of your body.

“But this time I think I won’t depart my answer for I don’t think you’ll like it. Ponder that one, booyah,” Jimmy teased as he stood and pushed your head down playfully.

“That’s cruel and unusual punishment,” you whined playfully as you yawned again.

“Go to bed Kales Mae, we’ll make this the quite bus for the night. Crash on the big bed and catch up on some much needed emotional sleep,” Jimmy said with authority as he turned off the television.

“So says the all knowing father of wisdom. And to think people worried that I never had strong parental figures in my life. Pshyeah, they never knew you,” you yawned as you curled up on the big bed and pulled the covers out and around your body.

“We all have a purpose in life Kales Mae, and mine was to keep you in line and offer fatherly advice and then to corrupt you at the same time. Keep heart dearest Kales, I know you’ll find the person meant for you if you look hard enough,” you heard Jimmy say before he shut off the lights and closed the door to the large room on the now designated quiet bus.

You mumbled back some type of response that not even you were able to discern as most of it was said into the pillow your face was momentarily pressed into. But it didn’t matter, Jimmy knew the meaning behind everything you said to him regardless of whether or not it was intelligible. You felt your eyelids close and sleep start to take it’s hold on your conscious as dreams started to dance in front of your closed eyelids. But they weren’t dreams per say, more like your sub conscious trying to tell you something for you knew these memories like the back of your hand. And yet not at all as you didn’t know all of the memory, just the bits you had replayed a million times over the years.

“The feel of anger and embarrassment staining your cheeks. The sound of your pulse racing in your ears blocking out the sound of the door slamming shut after you had shoved it hard in his face. The feel and sound of your hand coming in contact with Zacky’s face. The air of angry words being exchanged before you ran upstairs and hid in your room in shame.”

Shame. That was a new part to it all. You had never remembered the shame so perfectly before, it had always been so foggy and hazy. Grumbling you turned over onto your other side as things continued to play out before your closed eyes.

“The sheer utter stupidity of him trying to say his piece. Trying to make you see. The feel of your fist coming in contact with his nose and the sound of crunching bone and sheer brightness of the blood staining his face. No one will ever love you Zachary Baker. The sound of another door being slammed. And then the tears. And loss.”

In your half sleep you curled around a pillow and cried for no known reason, at least none that you knew. You remembered all of this, it was why you hated Zacky. Why his very existence brought your day down, day after day. Why the sound of his voice made your heart curdle and your blood boil, made your stomach clench. But the tears afterwards. The aching loss as you remembered tearing through your room blind by the tears, destroying things left and right. Making a mess. Those were new and confusing. Why would you be crying after that, he had done you wrong. He had called you a fucking cunt as you had slammed the door as you ran out of the room the day after. The day he tried to explain foolishly. And something about the feeling of loss, the ache of something missing, seemed to be an echo of something you knew all too well currently.

Why would there be tears? Why would you cry over the loss of Zacky after what he had done and after the things he had called you? Why?

The more your subconscious asked these questions over and over again the more you cried silently in your sleep. Till finally your mind went blank and your tear ducts dry, your body totally emotionally spent.

Notes

Oh le sigh. . .