“Fuuuck!” I groaned out as I heard my phone alarm ring annoyingly on full volume. My head was throbbing and I was already feeling slightly irate. I pushed the hair that had draped over my face as I slept out of my eyes and released a sigh as I reached over the night table to dismiss the alarm. Kicking off the blankets I had become tangled in, I stood up (still very much dressed in last night's clothing) and almost fell onto the floor but then somehow managed to catch my balance... At least this time. There have been several occasions where I had not been so lucky.

 

 

“Ugh, fuck my life.” I rubbed my face and made my way to the bathroom.  I started the shower and undressed myself. I stepped in under the cold water and leaned my head against the wall letting my eyes close as it ran down my body and back into the drain.

 

“Yo Rein!” He hollered from a few feet away.

“Yeah, Vic?” I called out over the music.

“Want the last line?”

“Fuck yes!” I shouted as I made my way through the small crowd of dancing people. I sat on the couch between Victor and Lana and began searching my pockets desperately for a card to reline the white magnificence staring at me. Taunting me. It was then that I heard a familiar voice calling me that I looked up from the powder (that had been keeping me more than happy the last three... maybe four hours...?) “Christ... how long have I been here?” I mumbled to myself. “Lulu!” I called out reaching my hands up to his to pull him down on the couch with me -- as if it would make him susceptible to the glorious high I was on. “Want a line baaabyyy?” I grinned stupidly as my words slurred leaving last one from my lips to drag on.

 

“No, I’m not staying. Neither should you.” He grabbed my hands to pull me up but I pulled them back giggling. “Come on Reina. Let’s go.”

“Nah, I think I’ll stay...” I waved him off and went back to looking for my card cursing under my breath when I wasn’t able to find one.

 

He pulled out a card and handed it to me looking into my eyes with worry written clear in his. And even though that was so, he somehow managed to keep his voice strong and so... steady. The way his voice usually was with anybody except me, serious.

 

“You need help.”

“Not anymore baby, thanks.” I laughed taking the white card taking notice to the bold black print on it as I relined the coke.

 

I had to make sure that none went to waste. What kind of a person would I be to let such a good, no – such a GREAT thing go to waste...? I leaned forward holding one nostril shut with my index finger and snorted up the addictive substance. Somehow, it never seemed enough.

 

“I mean it Rein.” he sighed. “I’ll see you at work baby girl...”

I popped up and slumped back on the couch rubbing my nose “Huh? Yeah… Bye.” I smiled letting my eyed drift closed.

 

 

Vic chuckled as he left. “Idiot. What a fucking loser.” Lana cackled nodding in agreement.

 

I opened my eyes in a slow blink letting out a sigh of disappointment as I started rubbing my face and washing myself off. I reached out to the knob shutting the water off then stepped out and wrapped the towel around myself. I stood there for a second for no particular reason staring at the cold purple tile biting my lip then walked over to the mirror. I picked up my brush and began running it through my hair  taking the time to really look my reflection over.

 

“You’re pathetic Rein” I thought out loud. I began applying my make up after I finished with my hair. It consisted of nothing special in my opinion, just the norm of a little foundation here, some eyeshadow, eyeliner, and mascara. The only thing that was to be different today was the color of the eyeshadow... How exciting. But this, this was my daily routine. This was my mask. This was the thing that let me hide who I really was from the world. It helped me hide from my clients, my family, and from any magazine or source of media I might appear in. The only thing I needed to complete my mask was the ‘smile’ that came along with it. I brushed my teeth.

 

Once my mask was complete, I walked out of the bathroom and back into my room. I kept some of my clothes in the closet, so off to the closet I went to pick out my costume for the day. Who was I going to be? Was I going to be funny? Was I going to be the wild thing? The happiest person you had ever seen? The serious boss? I let my towel drop and opened my drawer grabbing a pair of panties, stepping into them. I then pulled out it’s matching bra slipped the straps onto my arms and clasped the back.

 

We dance like marionettes, swaying to the symphony... of destruction.

 

Megadeth. It was Luke calling me.

 

I quickly grabbed the first shirt and pair of jeans I saw then walked back to the night table answering the phone.

 

“Morning. Kinda...” I heard a soft chuckle come from the other end and smiled softly.

“Yo, babe.” I said a little raspily. I cleared my throat then licked my lips. “Hey Lulu, what’s uppers, hun?” I asked after slipping on my off the shoulder Motley Crue shirt I had slashed along the chest a few times.

“Nothin’. Just callin’ to check up on you, beautiful. Oh, also to remind you that your client will be here in about an hour or so.”

“Yeah, I know.” I said holding the phone between my ear and shoulder as I jumped around in attempt to slide into my black skinny jeans. “I’ll be there in a bit.” I cleared my throat again.

“You don’t sound so good, doll...”

“I’m fine, I’ll see you in a few, okay Luke?!” I snapped. I knew he had good intention, but I was still moody.

“Yeah. Fine.” He spoke between his teeth before he hung up leaving only the dial tone audible on the other end. For some reason, that brought me realize that I had felt alone. It was like that was the last time I’d get to talk to him.

 

I tucked the phone in my pocket as I stepped into the heels that I had left by the side of my bed the night before. I grabbed my rings placing them on each finger followed by my leather wrist cuff snapping it on my right wrist walking out of the room. I went downstairs to the kitchen and headed straight to the fridge. I reached in grabbing a beer, popped it open, and then took a big gulp. I walked over to the island drawer pulling out a few bottles of pills and and took 1-2 from each.

 

‘Clinical depression’ meds, ‘Anxiety’ meds, ‘Mood Stabilizers’... Isn’t it funny how something that’s supposed to make you better, can sometimes only make you worse?

 

I washed the handful of pills down with the rest of the beer and looked around me. “Fucking huge house...My huge house...”

 

I bought my house because, at the time, I thought it would make me happy. Along with my dream house came my dream job... No, dream career. I own a shop, I don’t just work in one anymore. My work is displayed on the flesh of a multitude of people, both local and non. I have my money, independence, my career, my shop, I’m pretty well known, I’m where I want to be... What the fuck was wrong? What was so wrong with me that I couldn’t find happiness even if I got what I thought I wanted? It was like a fucking unquenchable thirst, but at the same time, I felt like I was drowning.

 

I grabbed my keys and my purse off the counter then walked out to my garage. I pressed the garage door button on my keys and went into the garage remote starting my car. I got in and pulled out of the driveway pressing the garage button again.

 

Hello

I’ve waited here for you

Everlong

 

Oh KROQ, how I love you.

 

Tonight I throw myself into

And out of the red

Out of her head she sang

 

Come down

And waste away with me

Down with me

Slow how

You wanted it to be

I’m over my head

Out of her head she sang

 

And I wonder

When I sing along with you

If everything could ever be this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I’ll ever ask of you

You gotta promise not to stop when I say when

She sang

 

Breathe out so I can breathe you in

Hold you in

And now I know you’ve always been

Outta your head

Outta my head I sang

 

And I wonder

When I sing along with you

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I’ll ever ask of you

Gotta promise not to stop when I say when

She sang

 

And I wonder

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I’ll ever ask of you

Is gotta promise not to stop when I say when”

 

 

I pulled up around back and parked getting out. I locked the car and walked around to the front entrance of the shop since we’ve been having issues with the back door lately.

 

Fuck, there goes something else I have to worry about.

 

I was then greeted by Luke, Monica, and Justin.

 

“Yo, babe.” Luke said sounding a little unsure of himself. I’m pretty certain that was the first time I’ve heard his voice like that.

“Hey dude.” Monica said in her slightly less unenthused than usual voice.

“Whaddup, TOX?!” Justin screamed out over the buzzing of him tattooing a client.

 

Tox was short for Toxsyn.

 

Toxsyn was the nickname I ‘so proudly’ earned in high school. I didn’t always associate with everyone’s definition of ‘the right crowd’. I hung out with any and every one, really. A social butterfly, if you will. The good, the bad, the vandals, and the junkies. No discrimination on my part. I was, I suppose you could say a wanderer among the crowd. I’m side tracking now. The name came from my junkie “buddies” then caught on with pretty much everyone and anyone else who knew me. Not all of them necessarily knew where the name came from (at least, I think they didn’t), but it caught on. It all came to be over the countless toxic things I have injected, snorted, smoked, or popped. Everyone and anyone who really knew me, was probably sure it was coursing its way through my body in place of my blood by now. Ergo, Toxsyn. And that’s where I’m at today.

 

“Hey.” I waved over at them with my left hand which happened to be the arm to have ‘Toxsyn’ tattooed in script on the wrist. A stupid tattoo, really. It was obviously my first. I was 14 at the time and definitely regret it now. I proceeded past them to my office in the back of the shop and walked in flipping the light switch, shutting the door behind me.

 

Quickly I opened the drawer to my desk pulling out a bag with six freshly pre-rolled, absolutely perfect, waiting to be lit joints (courtesy of Justin). I pulled one from the bag and sat on my desk ruffling around in the drawer again pulling my bright purple BIC lighter. As the joint rested between my lips, I put the bag away for later. I spun the dial on my lighter and watched the flame appear before me. I inhaled and lit my precious j taking a deep drag before I set the lighter down on my desk.

 

The smoke, the smell, the taste...

 

It soothed me. It was like heaven.

 

Before I knew it, I was at peace again. I was happy. Things were once again, ‘Okay’... but the source of my happiness, was two hits away from gone.

 

“Hey Rein, where are the large glo-“ Luke stopped mid-sentence as he opened the door and looked over at me through the cloud of smoke. He sighed and glanced up at the smoke detector, or at least where it should have been, then back at my desk seeing it off to the side of the computer. His eyes redirected my way.

 

“The large gloves?” I said putting the joint out in my ashtray then jumped down from my desk with blood shot eyes and a smile. “In here.” I went to the supply closet grabbing two boxes tossing them over to him. “There you go. Justin should be out soon too.” I shrugged and smiled gigging lightly.

 

“Thanks...” He said with another disappointed sigh as he turned to open the office door. He stopped then turned back to face me and said “ Have you thought about what I said?”

Notes

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