Until these stitches heal....
Alone
It had been almost a month that I had shacked my self up in some hotel. the hotel which now was a cheap motel. I was running out of money, for everything. I hadn't eaten in 2 day's. I was living off booze and what pill's I had left. I was drinking excessively every day, along with having to fight the urge to bump up the amount of pill's I was consuming. If I did, that just meant coming off, sobering up would be just that much worse. Believe me when I say I was scared shitless about running out, which wasn't to far away. I had 50 buck's left to my name. Getting more would be impossible.
I shuddered remembering how I felt withdrawing from everything I had been taking for almost everyday for a year. I was sick. Probably more sick than I've ever been in my life. I knew that was going to happen again, and I brought it on my self.
I looked at the blood covered razor laying in the palm of my right hand. I felt blood slowly run down the side of my right thigh. I opened up several scar's welcoming the pain it brought. My entire right thigh seemed to be covered in cut's. I looked down at my leg. All I could think of seeing blood was Ava and Candi. Seeing my own blood reminded me they were gone. Dead. More of what little family I had left was gone. My mom. One of the most important people in my life. Taken away from me. Ava and Candi as well. Young lives taken to soon.
I will never get to see my niece again. I will Never get to tell my sister I'm sorry. My mom won't be there when I get married, when I have kid's.
I covered my face desperately trying not to cry. Another day I sat alone in a cold room. Killing my self. Not able to take my mind off the loss that was becoming more and more real everyday. Along with the fact that I was nothing more than a pill junkie. I always would be even if I sober up or not, along with my need to harm my self in the form of slicing my skin to let the pain fall with the blood that seeps out. Every drop that hits the floor carry's pain I never dealt with. Thing's I couldn't stand to face. I'm so tired of being alone.
I slowly made my way to the bed stumbling over a couple half empty cheap liquor bottles. The clinking of the glass hurt my ears. My stomach cramped from the lack of food. I spotted what was left of the pill's . They stood out against the trash cluttered table. Screaming at me 'take me'.
Every time I looked at the pills I mentally kicked my self. I had 15 left and I was very tempted to take them all at once. Maybe I wouldn't have to wake up and deal with the hell that is the withdraw from Xanax. If the pill's didn't kill me the withdraw would. Plus once you get past the initial shock of it all, you get to look forward to nearly 2 month's of absolute hell. Waking up dizzy, nauseous, sweating, sore limbs, anxiety, the list goes on. Well, that's what happened to me when I went through it.
I knew I couldn't be alone through it. If I was I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the hospital on my own. Hell, I could barely even function normal at the moment anyways.
I spotted my phone laying next to the bag of pill's.
All I had to do was pick up the phone and call Brian and he would be here. No questions asked. I stood there thinking about it like a dumb ass. I knew what I should do but I was pulled more to the pill's. Of course.
I grabbed my phone picking up the pills as I dragged my hand over both item's. I managed to stumble back in to the bathroom falling to my ass, sliding on my own blood that had pooled on the floor. I hissed at the stinging that was my tail bone. That shit hurt's.
"Fuck". I quickly sat up moving away from the puddle I had splattered on the lower half of the wall across from the toilet. I realized I didn't have the pills in my hand any more. My eye's quickly landed on the floor. My heart dropped at the sight of the powder the pill's I just had in my hand's was turned into. Most of it covered in blood.
"Son of a bitch"! I cried out covering my mouth. "Shit"!
I had no choice but to call Brian. This was not going to be easy.
"FUCK"!
I sat Looking at the screen of my phone crying. Not wanting to call Brian. I did but I didn't. The last thing I want is him to be mad at me. Though honestly that should be the last thing from my mind.
In the month that I had been gone. Hiding from my problem's and friends. I was more concerned with trying to drown my pain with pill's. I hadn't even really dealt with the fact my Sister and niece were gone. I cried once, but yet I felt they deserved more.
I nearly dropped my phone when it started to vibrate in my hand.They deserved my tear's. They deserved to know how much I miss them and will continue to miss them.
I still hadn't visited my mom's grave yet. I hadn't even really thought about it until now.
"Uh". I gasped. Brian's name flashed across my screen. He must be psychic. I opened the text message and tried my best to focus on the small letters which seemed like an impossible task. I took a deep breath before trying to focus on what was in front of me.
Brian: I don't know if you'll answer me but I just wanted let u know I miss you. A month is far to long for me not to see u. plz just let me know ur OK?
Him telling me he misses me makes me feel horrible. I felt like such a bad person.
Me: I'm fine
Brian: If your fine y won't u answer ur phone calls? y won't u talk to me?
I couldn't come up with a answer. One he would believe anyway.
Brian: I just want to see you. I miss u so much. plz.
I knew I couldn't be alone much longer. I didn't want to be, but yet here I am telling him I'm fine.
YOUR NOT FINE HARLOW! YOU ARE KILLING YOUR SELF. JUST TELL HIM YOU NEED HIM. STOP BEING FUCKING STUBBORN!
I drug my hand down my face. I want him here. Need him here but yet I keep second guessing my self. I just need to do it.
Me: I'm in Los Angeles
Less than a minute later he responded.
Brian: Where???
Me: The super 8 by the airport
Brian: I'm on my way. I will will get there as fast as I can
I sighed letting my phone slip from my hand and land on the hard bathroom floor. I let my head fall back and rest on the wall. I wave of relief washed over me. It was only a matter of time before I would start to feel the after effects of what I continuously consumed for nearly a month. I swore to my self I would never pop pill's again, but once and addict always and addict?
I shuddered remembering how I felt withdrawing from everything I had been taking for almost everyday for a year. I was sick. Probably more sick than I've ever been in my life. I knew that was going to happen again, and I brought it on my self.
I looked at the blood covered razor laying in the palm of my right hand. I felt blood slowly run down the side of my right thigh. I opened up several scar's welcoming the pain it brought. My entire right thigh seemed to be covered in cut's. I looked down at my leg. All I could think of seeing blood was Ava and Candi. Seeing my own blood reminded me they were gone. Dead. More of what little family I had left was gone. My mom. One of the most important people in my life. Taken away from me. Ava and Candi as well. Young lives taken to soon.
I will never get to see my niece again. I will Never get to tell my sister I'm sorry. My mom won't be there when I get married, when I have kid's.
I covered my face desperately trying not to cry. Another day I sat alone in a cold room. Killing my self. Not able to take my mind off the loss that was becoming more and more real everyday. Along with the fact that I was nothing more than a pill junkie. I always would be even if I sober up or not, along with my need to harm my self in the form of slicing my skin to let the pain fall with the blood that seeps out. Every drop that hits the floor carry's pain I never dealt with. Thing's I couldn't stand to face. I'm so tired of being alone.
I slowly made my way to the bed stumbling over a couple half empty cheap liquor bottles. The clinking of the glass hurt my ears. My stomach cramped from the lack of food. I spotted what was left of the pill's . They stood out against the trash cluttered table. Screaming at me 'take me'.
Every time I looked at the pills I mentally kicked my self. I had 15 left and I was very tempted to take them all at once. Maybe I wouldn't have to wake up and deal with the hell that is the withdraw from Xanax. If the pill's didn't kill me the withdraw would. Plus once you get past the initial shock of it all, you get to look forward to nearly 2 month's of absolute hell. Waking up dizzy, nauseous, sweating, sore limbs, anxiety, the list goes on. Well, that's what happened to me when I went through it.
I knew I couldn't be alone through it. If I was I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the hospital on my own. Hell, I could barely even function normal at the moment anyways.
I spotted my phone laying next to the bag of pill's.
All I had to do was pick up the phone and call Brian and he would be here. No questions asked. I stood there thinking about it like a dumb ass. I knew what I should do but I was pulled more to the pill's. Of course.
I grabbed my phone picking up the pills as I dragged my hand over both item's. I managed to stumble back in to the bathroom falling to my ass, sliding on my own blood that had pooled on the floor. I hissed at the stinging that was my tail bone. That shit hurt's.
"Fuck". I quickly sat up moving away from the puddle I had splattered on the lower half of the wall across from the toilet. I realized I didn't have the pills in my hand any more. My eye's quickly landed on the floor. My heart dropped at the sight of the powder the pill's I just had in my hand's was turned into. Most of it covered in blood.
"Son of a bitch"! I cried out covering my mouth. "Shit"!
I had no choice but to call Brian. This was not going to be easy.
"FUCK"!
I sat Looking at the screen of my phone crying. Not wanting to call Brian. I did but I didn't. The last thing I want is him to be mad at me. Though honestly that should be the last thing from my mind.
In the month that I had been gone. Hiding from my problem's and friends. I was more concerned with trying to drown my pain with pill's. I hadn't even really dealt with the fact my Sister and niece were gone. I cried once, but yet I felt they deserved more.
I nearly dropped my phone when it started to vibrate in my hand.They deserved my tear's. They deserved to know how much I miss them and will continue to miss them.
I still hadn't visited my mom's grave yet. I hadn't even really thought about it until now.
"Uh". I gasped. Brian's name flashed across my screen. He must be psychic. I opened the text message and tried my best to focus on the small letters which seemed like an impossible task. I took a deep breath before trying to focus on what was in front of me.
Brian: I don't know if you'll answer me but I just wanted let u know I miss you. A month is far to long for me not to see u. plz just let me know ur OK?
Him telling me he misses me makes me feel horrible. I felt like such a bad person.
Me: I'm fine
Brian: If your fine y won't u answer ur phone calls? y won't u talk to me?
I couldn't come up with a answer. One he would believe anyway.
Brian: I just want to see you. I miss u so much. plz.
I knew I couldn't be alone much longer. I didn't want to be, but yet here I am telling him I'm fine.
YOUR NOT FINE HARLOW! YOU ARE KILLING YOUR SELF. JUST TELL HIM YOU NEED HIM. STOP BEING FUCKING STUBBORN!
I drug my hand down my face. I want him here. Need him here but yet I keep second guessing my self. I just need to do it.
Me: I'm in Los Angeles
Less than a minute later he responded.
Brian: Where???
Me: The super 8 by the airport
Brian: I'm on my way. I will will get there as fast as I can
I sighed letting my phone slip from my hand and land on the hard bathroom floor. I let my head fall back and rest on the wall. I wave of relief washed over me. It was only a matter of time before I would start to feel the after effects of what I continuously consumed for nearly a month. I swore to my self I would never pop pill's again, but once and addict always and addict?
12/10/12