I woke up in bed, Brook was laying beside looking up at the ceiling. I looked to her, grabbing her hand and she looked at me startled.
“Oh your up,” She chuckled. I nodded, looking up at the ceiling with her.
“What happened?” I asked her gently. I remember Zacky telling me he was his father, which I didn’t believe. It was a dream right? Just a God awful nightmare. She looked at me, her hand tightening mine and I knew that it wasn’t a nightmare. I don’t know why but I just knew that it wasn’t and it made me angry.
“I don’t really know honey. I just heard you yelling and I went to see you and you were blacked out on the floor,” She said simply.
“Where’s Zacky?”
“He left, he didn’t say where or anything,” She told me. I nodded and turned into my side, looking over to her.
“I’m getting scared baby,” I said gently, holding onto my pillow. She turned to me, her beautiful eyes looking into mine. That smile that I fell in love with. She was my beautiful girl. I just wished I would of felt this way a lot sooner then this. I wondered back in school what happened between us. I forced her to be my girlfriend and now, I really didn’t want to tell her that. I knew that I should but it seemed that if I told her then something was going to go missing, that I was going to lose her or something that was drawing us together.
“What are you thinking about?” She asked. Her eyes looking so soft and gentle. I looked at my beautiful girl and sighed.
“About you,” I told her. A smile came onto her face and I felt my heart sink. I mean I was thinking about her but it wasn’t about that, it was about me forcing her to be with me. Something that was fake becoming real to me.
“I need to tell you something Brook,” I told her. She nodded and I came and held her in my arms and held her close to me, putting my chin on top her head. My heart was hammering against my chest. I can’t tell her this, if I did I could lose her. I couldn’t lose her though. She can’t leave me. I held onto her tighter, scared out of my mind. I needed to tell her though. I didn’t want to keep this little secret from her because I wanted to be with her, that’s all I wanted to do was to be with her.
“I love you baby but,” I said sadly, looking away from you, “I…I used you,” I whispered, squeezing my eyes shut. I couldn’t look at her. I felt her wiggling out of my arms but I held onto her tighter. She can’t leave me, she was my best friend, I was falling of her. She can’t leave me!
“Let me go!” She cried. Finally though, she pulled away from my arms and got out of the bed and glared at me, “Y-you used me?” She stuttered at me. I looked at her my mind telling me so many things that I did wrong with her, about everything. I should of broken up with her in the first place. I should of done something to stop this. I was the blame for everything. If I would of told her sooner, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
I knew one thing, I needed my friend, I needed her and I knew that she needed me. She had to need me, she couldn’t leave my side! At least, that’s what the voices told me.
“Yes,” I said so lightly that I didn’t even hear myself. I did this to myself, I did it and now I was going to face the one thing I couldn’t live without and that was my best friend. She hates me and there was nothing that was going to change, “Baby I-”
“Don’t call me that,” She said sternly, my heart breaking as she told me that. I did this, I hurt her. I killed my sister and now, I am more or less killing Brook. I can’t do this, I can’t hurt someone like this again. If Brook killed herself, I would too. I would of hurt her, I killed my sister, I was losing everyone that I loved.
“I can’t believe that you did this to me! After what you…I can’t believe you Wesley!” She yelled. I didn’t like it when people yelled at me, never have. Then having been hurt again wasn’t helping. I came off of the bed and stood in front of her, lost in the thoughts and the voices.
“I did it for these stupid voices to stop!” I yelled. She stood there with her arms crossing her chest rolling her eyes. She thought that it was the most stupidest excuse ever. I thought it was too, I was being stupid. There was no way I was going to win her back, there was nothing that was going to stop her from leaving me and it actually scared me. She can’t leave me, she just can’t.
“So you pretended to like me even after we made love?” She asked me. That was actually a good question and I didn’t know how to answer it. I was trying to love her that night. I was trying to get that fake Zacky out of my head. Now, knowing that he was my ‘father’ it just made everything worse. How can he be my father? Why my mother?
“I’m out of here,” She told me.
“Brook please!” I called after her. She turned around and flipped me off.
“Don’t talk to me Wes, got it?” She asked me and left me in the guest room of a man I was really growing to hate. I was losing everyone, I was losing all my family, my friends. Now, I just lost my girlfriend. I sat down on the foot of my bed and talked to my sister, wondering why I ever met that stranger on Facebook.
~
I paced the bedroom wondering where Zacky was. I wanted to talk to him, to scream at him more or less but he wouldn’t answer his phone or anything. I wouldn’t blame him though. Why would someone want to talk to me. I just got him upset, he just spilled the truth that I still didn’t know if it was truth or false information.
I looked down to my phone again and saw that it was nearly one in the morning. He was probably out drinking, which was something that he would do when he was like this. Didn’t blame him though. I sighed, shoving the phone in my pocket and came to the bathroom and rook another pull so that I wouldn’t have an episode in the vars. I didn’t like having to take the extra pills that I have been having to take thanks to all the stress I was under.
I brushed out my hair and got on my shoes and jacket and made my way out the door and started to walk down the street. This wasn’t a very good idea to walk down the Californian streets at one in the morning but, I didn’t have a ride at all. So, I took out a cigarette and lit it up and walked to the nearest bar praying that he was there. I was able to text Matt but he wasn’t help, neither was Johnny but Brian, he was a lot of help. He told me where Zacky had went after coming to his house and spilling beans over something and left. He scared my cousin which made her go to my ‘dads’ house and stayed with my baby brother.
I missed them a lot. I wanted to go home, my heart was craving for me to go home but I just couldn’t. They were going to hate me, that wasn’t a lie. My brother would actually kill me if he saw my face and if I saw my mother, I would scream at her and that doesn’t do good for my head.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and it turned out to be Abby.
Abby: Hey, it’s me.
Me: Hey me, what’s up?
Abby: I miss you cuz cuz
I rolled my eyes at the weird nickname she gave me.
Me: I miss everyone. I just…I can’t come home Abby
Abby: Is it true? That…that Zacky is your father?
My heart fell and my body shivered. This can’t be true, then again, he was there yelling and getting out whatever was inside of him and then leaving Brian’s home without a word on where he was going.
Me: I don’t know…how’s Alex?
Abby: He misses you, he knows that it wasn’t your fault but he’s mad too…he’s really hurting Wes, he needs you
Seeing this made the voices have something to tease me about. My baby brother didn’t need me, he never needed me. I sighed and shoved my phone into my pocket and took a draw of my cigarette. I didn’t need this, I didn’t need her telling me these things because it get’s my mind running and the voices strong.
When I got to the bar, I saw Zacky’s car sitting out on the curb and I sighed with relief. Thank God he was here. I didn’t have to wonder everywhere else tonight just to find his sorry butt. I showed the guy my fake I.D. and came inside to loud music, drunk guys and a cloud of smoke. I found Zacky at the bar on a stool slurring and yelling for more beer but thy bartender wouldn’t give him anymore.
I came over to him, not really sure what I was going to say or do to him and I was actually kind of scared to be near him since he was drunk. I took in a deep breath and touched his shoulder. He whirled around and glared at me, hopping off of he stool.
“So its Mr. Mess with me dick head,” He said sourly, “I can’t believe I had you as a kid,” He said with a hiccup. Well, I was going to get a lot of truth that I need.
“What are you talking about?” I asked him. He laughed and had his arms across his chest.
“As if you don’t know,” He scuffled which made me raise an eyebrow.
“No, I don’t…” I said and he rolled his eyes cocking an attitude.
“Your just an accident Wesley, you were never meant to happen! Your mom was a slut back in high school so I screwed her and she had a kid, your pathetic waste of space.” He said. I took him in all honesty with his words, them cutting deeper then anything else. The voices were right about me all along. They were right about everything. I couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t even move. Zacky was mother father, I didn’t need or want a drug test to prove it. I knew that there was something different about me and him and now that I know what it is, I didn’t even want to live anymore.
I had no one in my life. There was no one here for me. They wouldn’t care if I just died. Zacky, my own possible father wouldn’t even care for me. My mother, my father, my brother. They are all dead to me. They are all dead to me.
“Oh Wesley gonna cry?” The man laughed at me. There was the blurry eyes that came and that also made me run away from him and the people inside that were laughing at me. Everything that the voices had told me all along was a lie. A complete lie.
I ran down the street, looking back to only hearing laughter. The voices were pounding in my head and it was making me dizzy. I shouldn’t have taken so many pulls. Then again, they haven’t done this to me before. I never felt this effect on them until now.
I came back to Zacky’s place and ran up to the guest room, the room filled with black demons. There was my worst fears inside of this room too. Bloody clowns, people with knifes in their hands, guns. They were all smiling at me, telling me that I wasn’t welcome here anymore, that I should just disappear for good. To kill myself and to never come back.
“You know you want it baby,” One cooed in my ear. His hot breath sending shivers down my spine, “Just one stab, one slit, one jump…” He kept telling me these possibilities on how I could die. But, I got down and sat on the desk with a shaking hand and got paper and pen out, trying to write a letter to my family. I felt something dark though take over me. I didn’t know what it was but what ever it was made me feel good. That’s when I stood from the desk, climbed up my chair and looked down to the floor seeing it great me.
“Just jump!” The demons yelled in unison. That’s what I did, saying good-bye to the world, letting my head hit the corner of the bed, letting darkness welcome my pain.