Escape
Chapter 52
"H-hi" I stuttered.
Matt looked awful, his eyes were red and puffy. His face was stained with tears. He looked worn out from crying.
"Hi" He said softly, moving out of the entry way letting me come in.
"So..." I said slowly.
"Morgan, I'm so sorry about what happened, I-" Matt began to apologize.
"I know, Brian explained to me what happened from your end of things..." I cut him off.
"Oh, okay… It's just I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this. Not after all you've been through. I can't believe this even happened. I'm just… I feel so bad, Morgan" He apologized.
He sounded sincere enough.
"Thank you" I said softly.
"So, can we pretend like this never happened and go back to what we had before?" Matt smiled.
"I.. uhm… I don't know…" I stuttered. I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship, with college starting and all. I just didn't know.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" Matt's tone was darker.
"I… I just don't know if it's a good idea.." I spoke.
"Morgan, you can't be serious" Matt sounded shocked.
"I… just I don't know, I mean you're writing an album, I'm going to college maybe its better if we went separate ways… for now" I explained.
"You can't be serious" Matt raised his voice. Oh great, this isn't going how I wanted it to.
"I- I don't-"
"You know what, save it, I don't want to go back with you and your messed up family." Matt growled.
"What did you just say" I said quietly, "What did you just say!?" I yelled at him.
"Yeah you heard me. You and your fucking insane family. You with all of your depression problems. Being with you was stressful and I almost got killed by Andrew. I don't need you anyways." He shouted at me.
My ears were ringing, I felt sick to my stomach, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. His words stung.
"You fucking take that back!" I yelled, "It's not my fault that my parents died, or that I have a cousin who tried to MURDER me"
"Whatever, you dragged me back to Massachusetts with you anyways" Matt snapped.
"You forced me to let you come back with me! You're the one who had to look at my phone! You brought this on yourself!" I called him out.
Matt just stood there. I did too.
I ran upstairs to get my bag of luggage which I had not yet unpacked. I raced back down stairs. The tears were pouring down my face. I walked past him, as he grabbed my arm, pulling at my shoulder. I winced in pain. Andrew had pulled grabbed my arm with that same force once.
"Don't fucking touch me" I slapped him hard across the face.
"Morgan, jus-"
"I never want to see you again" I shouted right to his face before bolting out of the house. Matt didn't chase after me, thank god. I hated him right now.
***Matt's POV***
"Morgan, I'm so sorry about what happened, I-" I started to apologize.
"I know, Brian explained to me what happened from your end of things..." She cut me off."Oh, okay… It's just I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this. Not after all you've been through. I can't believe this even happened. I'm just… I feel so bad, Morgan" I said.
She just stood there, taking in what I had said.
"Thank you" She said softly.
"So, can we pretend like this never happened and go back to what we had before?" I smiled. I was hopeful.
"I.. uhm… I don't know…" She stuttered.
I couldn't believe my ears. This can't be happening.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" I spoke in an aggravated tone.
"I… I just don't know if it's a good idea.." She said.
"Morgan, you can't be serious" I was shocked.
"I… just I don't know, I mean you're writing an album, I'm going to college maybe its better if we went separate ways… for now" She explained.
"You can't be serious" I raised my voice. What the hell was happening.
"I- I don't-"
"You know what, save it, I don't want to go back with you and your messed up family." I growled. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I wasn't thinking at all.
"What did you just say" She said quietly, "What did you just say!?" She yelled in my face.
"Yeah you heard me. You and your fucking insane family. You with all of your depression problems. Being with you was stressful and I almost got killed by Andrew. I don't need you anyways " I shouted. What was wrong with me?! I couldn't control myself. The last part was the worst. I didn't mean it at all. Of course I need Morgan. I need her more than I need anyone else in this world. She's my happiness, my life, my love. Morgan is my everything.
She stood there, with this expression on her face. Morgan was either about to burst into tears or start beating me up.
"You fucking take that back!" She yelled, "It's not my fault that my parents died, or that I have a cousin who tried to MURDER me"
"Whatever, you dragged me back to Massachusetts with you anyways" I snapped. Yet again, saying another think I regretted.
"You forced me to let you come back with me! You're the one who had to look at my phone! You brought this on yourself!" She called me out. She was right.
I just stood there speechless.
She ran upstairs. And raced back down quickly. Morgan was crying now, I felt bad. As she walked past me towards the door I grabbed her arm harshly and pulled her towards me. She winced in pain. I forgot Andrew had hurt her shoulder. Shit.
"Don't fucking touch me" She slapped me hard across the face.
"Morgan, jus-"
"I never want to see you again" She shouted in my face before storming out the door.
What the hell did I do. I had no idea how I was going to get myself out of this mess after saying such cruel things to the girl that I loved most. She didn't deserve this, her life is hell. She doesn't need another person turning it into mayhem. I told her I'd be there for her, unconditionally. She trusted me. Now she probably hates me as much as Andrew. My thoughts pained me, as they flooded my mind. I couldn't stop them. The tears began to fall, one after another. Why did I have to let my anger get the best of me? I started to slug back up the stairs when I noticed a book on the ground. It was a journal. Morgan's journal. She must of dropped it.
I opened it up. The first date in it was before her parents had died. Her handwriting was so neat. Every page was full of words, leaving barley any spaces. Some pages had pictures on them. None left blank. She must write in this every night.
The first entry in the journal dated back to her Freshman year of High School. Before her parents had died.
FRIDAY. FINALLY. PRAISE THE HEAVENS. High School, has been high school this week. Tests. Homework. Writing. Quizzes. People. Annoying people. Gymnastics practice. The usual. Speaking of gymnastics practice I just got home from that, another thing that never gets any easier. You know what, life never gets any easier. Life is like this endless cycle of sadness and depression, as soon as your happy something has to come and ruin it for you. Oh well, what are ya gonna do. The weekend should be nice though, I'm going skiing with my parents. Something happy, following my something sad I'm guessing?
I liked how she wrote, it's so informal. She has this odd sense of humor almost. Sarcasm. She said that to me once, when we were at the beach house. She told me that was the one thing I should know about her.
I flipped through the journal some more. Until I got to a date that stood out. Christmas Eve, of her Junior year. The car crash.
Happiness leads to sadness is my theory. Tonight just proves that. I've decided to tweak it a little though, happiness leads to pure misery, depression, hate for the world, and everything that could possibly upset a person. Life sucks. Tonight was absolutely horrible. Horrible is an understatement. I don't even know why I'm writing about tonight. Tonight doesn't deserve to be written about because the english vocabulary doesn't contain the proper words to truly and justly describe it. I apologize to my parents for writing this but I have no other way of venting at the moment. Oh look a tear. Shocker. I'm going to be having a lot of those. Now for the unjust words that will never do this subject justice; My parents died in a car crash tonight. Christmas Eve. We were coming home from church of all places. Ironic, huh? We were driving through the quietest intersection in the town when bang. Another car t-boned us and sent us flipping down the road. Thus leading to the reason why I now hate my life. I want to die. I don't see the purpose of living and I don't want to be on this earth. Not without them at least. The car crash took both my parents. An hour ago I was sitting in a hospital room with my dad, praying the entire time in hopes that he would wake up. He didn't. This journal entry doesn't even make sense. I'm writing through tears and I'm not sober. I've had a Whiskey and a Vodka. I can't anymore. I don't know what to do.
I blinked tears out of my eyes as I finished reading the journal entry. Morgan had explained to me what happened. I knew exactly what happened, yet reading this was so real. It was the night it happened. I had this empty feeling inside of me. I wanted so desperately to go and give Morgan the biggest hug I could but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. Just as Morgan said on that horrid night, "I can't anymore. I don't know what to do"
I flipped through the journal some more when I got to a page with red on the corners.
Remember when I said I had no other way of venting? Problem solved. It's been 11 months. Almost a year. I've been depressed as hell. My life is hell. I live alone. Andrew's been giving me shit. The entire town hates me. I have no friends, well I do but they really aren't what I consider friends. End point, this year is by far the worst year of my entire life. I am now an alcoholic. I haven't gotten my hands on any drugs but when I do i'll surly become an addict. Heroine would me nice. I apologize to whoever reads this journal thing. It's mainly for my vulgar thoughts that I want to get out but i'm too ashamed to say. Then again if you're reading this, you probably care so I don't know what you should do. Do what you'd like with this. Any who. New way of venting? Cutting. Self Harm. Maybe I shouldn't consider that venting… I don't know its a habit that's what it is I started about a month ago. The pain, feels good. Seeing the blood is painful, but worth it. I feel like I deserve it. Andrew tells me I should die almost everyday now, maybe I'll cut deep enough one of these days and I will. The entire world would be happier that way, wouldn't they? But then again, happiness is nonexistent. We can't be happy. Humans aren't allowed to be happy.
I walked up to my bedroom, barley taking my eyes off of the journal. I continued to read through the passage. It was so morbid. Morgan was so honest in this. I felt like I shouldn't be reading it but then again, it was nothing I didn't know already. It was private though. I wanted to stop reading it but I physically couldn't. It made me cry, bawl actually. It made me miss her. But I wanted to keep reading it, it was a piece of her.
I flipped through the pages coming to one about the first time she attempted suicide, but didn't follow through with it. Thankfully.
I don't even know why I'm writing about this to be honest. I'm in my closet, crying, in hysterics. What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh wait I know, everything. So what happened tonight? Well right now it's 3am. 2 hours ago I attempted suicide for the first time through cutting myself. My bathroom looks like a war zone. I'm ashamed of myself. I wanted to go through with it but I couldn't. I guess that means I have strength? Right? But now I feel like a horrible human being for trying to take my own life so suicide still seems like the better option. I don't know what brought it on tonight. I mean today marks a year an 2 months since that. Maybe its because of Andrew or Jason. I don't know, what I do know is I don't want to be living. -Sigh- The worst part about tonight though, is I have school tomorrow and I can barley walk because of the gashes on my legs. So until next time, if there is a next time, farewell Journal. Maybe I should name you like Anne Frank named hers… Nope.
My hands trembled as I held the worn out composition book in my hands. Morgan. My beautiful Morgan. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It made me feel once again so empty and useless inside. The one thing she needed to help her was someone she could trust. Me. Even the doctor said that. Now what chance do I have of gaining back her trust? None. I recalled our fight from earlier, remembering I had called her out on her 'depression problems' What the fuck is wrong with me. What type of a horrible person am I? I rested my head in my hands, as her journal sat in my lap. I rubbed my eyes to wipe away the end of tears that continued to fall. This was horrible.
I flipped through the journal, glancing at various pages before I got to the last one she had written. It was from our birthdays. How did she have time to write these?
Today was the best day of my life. I can't remember a day when I was happier. Matt. Matt. Matt. How can I describe him. Let's see. Perfect. Funny. Handsome. Charming. Charismatic. Caring. Loving. Protective. Loyal. Gentle. Humble. Talented. The list could go on. Anyways. Ever since I met Matt, my life has turned around. I'm less depressed. Considerably less depressed. I'm not cutting any more. I haven't though about suicide in what seems like forever. Granted, I'm still sad on the occasion. That's normal, I miss my parents, I can't help it. And of course with all that's happened between me and Andrew this summer. Never the less, I feel happier. Matt saved me. If it wasn't for him I know I wouldn't be here, especially after my OD and awful relapse the week before I met him. Once I met him, once he asked me to be his girlfriend it made everything seem worthwhile. He is my happiness. When I'm with him it's like all the worry's just go away. He makes me feel like I'm floating. Every time I kiss him, I fall in love all over again. When he holds me I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I am. I don't know what I did to deserve him though. I'm a mere rock and he's a sparkling diamond. But I believe everything happens for a reason, and theres a reason as to why fate brought us together. We are meant to be. That day when he found me in the alleyway, the first time he held my hand, it was natural. It was like our hands were meant for each other. I love Matt more than words could ever begin to describe. And today was perfect. The dinner, the cliff aka my favorite place in the entire world. I always dreamed of being brought up there by my boyfriend. Then the kiss in the rain. The promise ring. He's my promise, my promise that everything's going to be okay. I don't think i'll ever stop loving him. He's my all. I just hope my theory isn't true anymore...
Tears flooded my eyes. Morgan. My hands started to shake as I read the page.
"Oh my god" I whispered to myself as I took it all in. I didn't realize how much I meant to her. Whenever she said I save her life, I thought she was talking about the Andrew situation. Little did I know, she meant this as well. I reread the entry over and over again. Shivering at all the sweet things she said about me. I felt the same way about her. She's my world. She's my everything. Except now I was a heartless jerk who can't control his anger. How could I ever get her back. The worst part though is that I was the reason why her theory was true.
***Morgan's POV***
'I don't need you' The words rang out in my head over and over again, as I sat at the end of the driveway. The repeated in my mind, with the same force and cold tone Matt had said them in. Every time I heard them in my head it felt like someone was stabbing my heart. I just didn't understand. How could he say something like that.
I frantically dialed my phone, to call Brian.
"Hello" Brian answered happily.
"Come get me" I demanded, showing as little emotion in my voice as possible.
"Where are you?" Brian questioned.
"Matt's driveway" I sighed.
"What the fuck happened?" Brian sounded surprised.
"I'll explain later, just get here" I sobbed.
"I already left, I'm on my way" Brian said, as he hung up the phone.
I felt like I was in a dream.. no a Nightmare. My fucking nightmare. I couldn't take this. I had told Matt everything about me. How could I have trusted him? How could I have been so blind. I have to get out of here. I have to escape.
Brian's BMW pulled up next to me.
"Care for a lift?" He offered. I lifted myself up and climbed into his car.
"So where are we going?" Brian asked.
"The airport" I moaned.
"Your flights not for 2 days" Brian reminded me.
"I know, i'll try to get an early flight" I thought out loud.
Brian nodded his head, not questioning just respecting my decisions. Unlike Matt.
"So do you care to tell me what happened?" Brian asked.
"Matt and I had a fight, and we're not dating anymore I guess…" I sighed.
"You had a fight?… about what?" He raised his eyebrows.
"Well so when Matt asked if we should start where we left off… I said that I didn't know if I wanted to…"
"wait you didn't want to get back together with Matt?"
"Well.. I did but I mean you guys have to write an album, and I'm starting college. I figured it would be better if we went our separate ways…"
"Makes sense… anyways continue"
"So, he completely flipped out at me for saying that. He said he didn't want to come back with me and my messed up family anyways and my depression problems" I was crying hysterically now. The last part got to me. He didn't want to deal with my depression problems. It's not my fault I hated myself. It's not my fault I think i'm a worthless piece of shit. This didn't make me feel better though. "He also said he doesn't need me" I cried some more, remembering the last detail.
"He said that?" Brian asked quietly.
I nodded my head quickly, trying to keep my crying quiet.
"I'm so sorry, Morgan." Brian reached out his hand and stroked my hair, "Matt says things he doesn't mean when he's mad, I'm sure he didn't mean those things"
"Yeah" I mumbled.
"So thats it? you guys are over?"
"I mean, I told him I never wanted to see him again.. so I guess" I sighed.
Brian just nodded. I really liked talking to him, it was so natural. He payed attention so closely as well. It made me feel appreciated of whatever.
The drive to the airport was pretty quite. When we got to the airport. Brian walked me to the security line, which was as far as he could come with me.
"So I guess this is good bye?" He spoke.
"I guess" I sighed.
He pulled me into a tight hug and kissed my head softly.
"I'm so sorry all of this had to happen."
"I am too… I didn't want to leave like this." I mumbled into his shoulder.
Brian pulled away from the hug, but kept his hands on my shoulder, "do you think you're coming back anytime soon?"
"Maybe… thanksgiving? I don't know.. I'll have to see with college and all"
"Do whats best for you" Brian said sincerely, pulling me into another hug, "I'm going to miss you so much" He spoke into my hair.
"I'll miss you too"
"I love you, Morgan" Brian cooed.
"I love you, Brian" I replied.
We pulled out of the hug. Brian was crying. He quickly wiped the tears away from his eyes not wanting me to see them. He wiped the tears away from my eyes as well.
I nodded my head, and walked away. I hated dragging out goodbye's, it just made everything harder.
I boarded the plane soon enough. I was able to get a first class ticket. Brian bought it for me. When I boarded the plane, I sat in my seat which was next to a man who looked about 50.
"What's a young lady like you doing in first class" He asked, sounding surprised. I didn't know how to take his comment.
"Uhm, my boyfriend bought me the ticket." I sighed and felt a pang of sadness come over me. Matt.
"You don't sound to happy" He let out a small laugh.
"It's complicated" I looked out the window, we were taking off.
"I get it, Well see you when we land" He said as he rested his head back and closed his eyes.
The plane ride went by fairly fast. We landed soon enough. I decided to go back to the beach house first, then my house. I had to be strong. Despite the fact that I was scared to death to walk back into my house. I grabbed my belongings in the beach house, before locking it up for the winter and leaving. This was not at all how I wanted to say goodbye.
I made my journey to my house. I was hesitant, but I forced myself to go in. I ran up to my room, gathered all the belongings I needed and left as quickly as I came. Today was the day when I could get my dorm room at Northeastern. That's exactly what I did, maybe being at college will help me get my mind off of things.
When I arrived at the campus, there was almost no line. It was pretty late. I walked up to a lady at a desk who was under a white tent.
"You must be the last one" She laughed.
"Sorry" I half smiled.
"Name?"
"Morgan Stoermer"
"Dorm 400, here's your key"
"Thank you" I said as I took the key from here.
I had no idea where I was going, but I didn't really care. I walked into one building, and it had a plaque with 400 pointing to the right. I walked down the hallway and up a flight of stairs. There was a group of people sitting around in a living room type area, talking. I walked quickly past, I was in no mood to talk to anyone. I made my way down towards dorm 400. I opened the door. The first thing I thought was, my room mate handn't arrived yet. I began to set up my side of the room. I put sheets on the bed, hung a few small posters up, that I loved to look at. They were or The Clash, Rancid, Sex Pistols and one was a collage I had made. Next to them I put a bulletin board. It's like a home away from home already.
I looked out the window. Every time I came to the city I was reminded of how much I love it here. Boston is beautiful at night, all the buildings lit up. People scurrying by. I noticed a few with Red Sox shirts, they were probably going to the game. That's the reason why I've always wanted to come here. Fenway park is right down the street. Despite the unfortunate events of today, I was satisfied in a weird way. I didn't necessarily agree with it, but it was nice. Maybe this was the escape I had been looking for all along
TO BE CONTINUED...
Matt looked awful, his eyes were red and puffy. His face was stained with tears. He looked worn out from crying.
"Hi" He said softly, moving out of the entry way letting me come in.
"So..." I said slowly.
"Morgan, I'm so sorry about what happened, I-" Matt began to apologize.
"I know, Brian explained to me what happened from your end of things..." I cut him off.
"Oh, okay… It's just I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this. Not after all you've been through. I can't believe this even happened. I'm just… I feel so bad, Morgan" He apologized.
He sounded sincere enough.
"Thank you" I said softly.
"So, can we pretend like this never happened and go back to what we had before?" Matt smiled.
"I.. uhm… I don't know…" I stuttered. I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship, with college starting and all. I just didn't know.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" Matt's tone was darker.
"I… I just don't know if it's a good idea.." I spoke.
"Morgan, you can't be serious" Matt sounded shocked.
"I… just I don't know, I mean you're writing an album, I'm going to college maybe its better if we went separate ways… for now" I explained.
"You can't be serious" Matt raised his voice. Oh great, this isn't going how I wanted it to.
"I- I don't-"
"You know what, save it, I don't want to go back with you and your messed up family." Matt growled.
"What did you just say" I said quietly, "What did you just say!?" I yelled at him.
"Yeah you heard me. You and your fucking insane family. You with all of your depression problems. Being with you was stressful and I almost got killed by Andrew. I don't need you anyways." He shouted at me.
My ears were ringing, I felt sick to my stomach, I couldn't believe this was happening to me. His words stung.
"You fucking take that back!" I yelled, "It's not my fault that my parents died, or that I have a cousin who tried to MURDER me"
"Whatever, you dragged me back to Massachusetts with you anyways" Matt snapped.
"You forced me to let you come back with me! You're the one who had to look at my phone! You brought this on yourself!" I called him out.
Matt just stood there. I did too.
I ran upstairs to get my bag of luggage which I had not yet unpacked. I raced back down stairs. The tears were pouring down my face. I walked past him, as he grabbed my arm, pulling at my shoulder. I winced in pain. Andrew had pulled grabbed my arm with that same force once.
"Don't fucking touch me" I slapped him hard across the face.
"Morgan, jus-"
"I never want to see you again" I shouted right to his face before bolting out of the house. Matt didn't chase after me, thank god. I hated him right now.
***Matt's POV***
"Morgan, I'm so sorry about what happened, I-" I started to apologize.
"I know, Brian explained to me what happened from your end of things..." She cut me off."Oh, okay… It's just I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this. Not after all you've been through. I can't believe this even happened. I'm just… I feel so bad, Morgan" I said.
She just stood there, taking in what I had said.
"Thank you" She said softly.
"So, can we pretend like this never happened and go back to what we had before?" I smiled. I was hopeful.
"I.. uhm… I don't know…" She stuttered.
I couldn't believe my ears. This can't be happening.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" I spoke in an aggravated tone.
"I… I just don't know if it's a good idea.." She said.
"Morgan, you can't be serious" I was shocked.
"I… just I don't know, I mean you're writing an album, I'm going to college maybe its better if we went separate ways… for now" She explained.
"You can't be serious" I raised my voice. What the hell was happening.
"I- I don't-"
"You know what, save it, I don't want to go back with you and your messed up family." I growled. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I wasn't thinking at all.
"What did you just say" She said quietly, "What did you just say!?" She yelled in my face.
"Yeah you heard me. You and your fucking insane family. You with all of your depression problems. Being with you was stressful and I almost got killed by Andrew. I don't need you anyways " I shouted. What was wrong with me?! I couldn't control myself. The last part was the worst. I didn't mean it at all. Of course I need Morgan. I need her more than I need anyone else in this world. She's my happiness, my life, my love. Morgan is my everything.
She stood there, with this expression on her face. Morgan was either about to burst into tears or start beating me up.
"You fucking take that back!" She yelled, "It's not my fault that my parents died, or that I have a cousin who tried to MURDER me"
"Whatever, you dragged me back to Massachusetts with you anyways" I snapped. Yet again, saying another think I regretted.
"You forced me to let you come back with me! You're the one who had to look at my phone! You brought this on yourself!" She called me out. She was right.
I just stood there speechless.
She ran upstairs. And raced back down quickly. Morgan was crying now, I felt bad. As she walked past me towards the door I grabbed her arm harshly and pulled her towards me. She winced in pain. I forgot Andrew had hurt her shoulder. Shit.
"Don't fucking touch me" She slapped me hard across the face.
"Morgan, jus-"
"I never want to see you again" She shouted in my face before storming out the door.
What the hell did I do. I had no idea how I was going to get myself out of this mess after saying such cruel things to the girl that I loved most. She didn't deserve this, her life is hell. She doesn't need another person turning it into mayhem. I told her I'd be there for her, unconditionally. She trusted me. Now she probably hates me as much as Andrew. My thoughts pained me, as they flooded my mind. I couldn't stop them. The tears began to fall, one after another. Why did I have to let my anger get the best of me? I started to slug back up the stairs when I noticed a book on the ground. It was a journal. Morgan's journal. She must of dropped it.
I opened it up. The first date in it was before her parents had died. Her handwriting was so neat. Every page was full of words, leaving barley any spaces. Some pages had pictures on them. None left blank. She must write in this every night.
The first entry in the journal dated back to her Freshman year of High School. Before her parents had died.
FRIDAY. FINALLY. PRAISE THE HEAVENS. High School, has been high school this week. Tests. Homework. Writing. Quizzes. People. Annoying people. Gymnastics practice. The usual. Speaking of gymnastics practice I just got home from that, another thing that never gets any easier. You know what, life never gets any easier. Life is like this endless cycle of sadness and depression, as soon as your happy something has to come and ruin it for you. Oh well, what are ya gonna do. The weekend should be nice though, I'm going skiing with my parents. Something happy, following my something sad I'm guessing?
I liked how she wrote, it's so informal. She has this odd sense of humor almost. Sarcasm. She said that to me once, when we were at the beach house. She told me that was the one thing I should know about her.
I flipped through the journal some more. Until I got to a date that stood out. Christmas Eve, of her Junior year. The car crash.
Happiness leads to sadness is my theory. Tonight just proves that. I've decided to tweak it a little though, happiness leads to pure misery, depression, hate for the world, and everything that could possibly upset a person. Life sucks. Tonight was absolutely horrible. Horrible is an understatement. I don't even know why I'm writing about tonight. Tonight doesn't deserve to be written about because the english vocabulary doesn't contain the proper words to truly and justly describe it. I apologize to my parents for writing this but I have no other way of venting at the moment. Oh look a tear. Shocker. I'm going to be having a lot of those. Now for the unjust words that will never do this subject justice; My parents died in a car crash tonight. Christmas Eve. We were coming home from church of all places. Ironic, huh? We were driving through the quietest intersection in the town when bang. Another car t-boned us and sent us flipping down the road. Thus leading to the reason why I now hate my life. I want to die. I don't see the purpose of living and I don't want to be on this earth. Not without them at least. The car crash took both my parents. An hour ago I was sitting in a hospital room with my dad, praying the entire time in hopes that he would wake up. He didn't. This journal entry doesn't even make sense. I'm writing through tears and I'm not sober. I've had a Whiskey and a Vodka. I can't anymore. I don't know what to do.
I blinked tears out of my eyes as I finished reading the journal entry. Morgan had explained to me what happened. I knew exactly what happened, yet reading this was so real. It was the night it happened. I had this empty feeling inside of me. I wanted so desperately to go and give Morgan the biggest hug I could but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. Just as Morgan said on that horrid night, "I can't anymore. I don't know what to do"
I flipped through the journal some more when I got to a page with red on the corners.
Remember when I said I had no other way of venting? Problem solved. It's been 11 months. Almost a year. I've been depressed as hell. My life is hell. I live alone. Andrew's been giving me shit. The entire town hates me. I have no friends, well I do but they really aren't what I consider friends. End point, this year is by far the worst year of my entire life. I am now an alcoholic. I haven't gotten my hands on any drugs but when I do i'll surly become an addict. Heroine would me nice. I apologize to whoever reads this journal thing. It's mainly for my vulgar thoughts that I want to get out but i'm too ashamed to say. Then again if you're reading this, you probably care so I don't know what you should do. Do what you'd like with this. Any who. New way of venting? Cutting. Self Harm. Maybe I shouldn't consider that venting… I don't know its a habit that's what it is I started about a month ago. The pain, feels good. Seeing the blood is painful, but worth it. I feel like I deserve it. Andrew tells me I should die almost everyday now, maybe I'll cut deep enough one of these days and I will. The entire world would be happier that way, wouldn't they? But then again, happiness is nonexistent. We can't be happy. Humans aren't allowed to be happy.
I walked up to my bedroom, barley taking my eyes off of the journal. I continued to read through the passage. It was so morbid. Morgan was so honest in this. I felt like I shouldn't be reading it but then again, it was nothing I didn't know already. It was private though. I wanted to stop reading it but I physically couldn't. It made me cry, bawl actually. It made me miss her. But I wanted to keep reading it, it was a piece of her.
I flipped through the pages coming to one about the first time she attempted suicide, but didn't follow through with it. Thankfully.
I don't even know why I'm writing about this to be honest. I'm in my closet, crying, in hysterics. What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh wait I know, everything. So what happened tonight? Well right now it's 3am. 2 hours ago I attempted suicide for the first time through cutting myself. My bathroom looks like a war zone. I'm ashamed of myself. I wanted to go through with it but I couldn't. I guess that means I have strength? Right? But now I feel like a horrible human being for trying to take my own life so suicide still seems like the better option. I don't know what brought it on tonight. I mean today marks a year an 2 months since that. Maybe its because of Andrew or Jason. I don't know, what I do know is I don't want to be living. -Sigh- The worst part about tonight though, is I have school tomorrow and I can barley walk because of the gashes on my legs. So until next time, if there is a next time, farewell Journal. Maybe I should name you like Anne Frank named hers… Nope.
My hands trembled as I held the worn out composition book in my hands. Morgan. My beautiful Morgan. I couldn't believe what I was reading. It made me feel once again so empty and useless inside. The one thing she needed to help her was someone she could trust. Me. Even the doctor said that. Now what chance do I have of gaining back her trust? None. I recalled our fight from earlier, remembering I had called her out on her 'depression problems' What the fuck is wrong with me. What type of a horrible person am I? I rested my head in my hands, as her journal sat in my lap. I rubbed my eyes to wipe away the end of tears that continued to fall. This was horrible.
I flipped through the journal, glancing at various pages before I got to the last one she had written. It was from our birthdays. How did she have time to write these?
Today was the best day of my life. I can't remember a day when I was happier. Matt. Matt. Matt. How can I describe him. Let's see. Perfect. Funny. Handsome. Charming. Charismatic. Caring. Loving. Protective. Loyal. Gentle. Humble. Talented. The list could go on. Anyways. Ever since I met Matt, my life has turned around. I'm less depressed. Considerably less depressed. I'm not cutting any more. I haven't though about suicide in what seems like forever. Granted, I'm still sad on the occasion. That's normal, I miss my parents, I can't help it. And of course with all that's happened between me and Andrew this summer. Never the less, I feel happier. Matt saved me. If it wasn't for him I know I wouldn't be here, especially after my OD and awful relapse the week before I met him. Once I met him, once he asked me to be his girlfriend it made everything seem worthwhile. He is my happiness. When I'm with him it's like all the worry's just go away. He makes me feel like I'm floating. Every time I kiss him, I fall in love all over again. When he holds me I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I am. I don't know what I did to deserve him though. I'm a mere rock and he's a sparkling diamond. But I believe everything happens for a reason, and theres a reason as to why fate brought us together. We are meant to be. That day when he found me in the alleyway, the first time he held my hand, it was natural. It was like our hands were meant for each other. I love Matt more than words could ever begin to describe. And today was perfect. The dinner, the cliff aka my favorite place in the entire world. I always dreamed of being brought up there by my boyfriend. Then the kiss in the rain. The promise ring. He's my promise, my promise that everything's going to be okay. I don't think i'll ever stop loving him. He's my all. I just hope my theory isn't true anymore...
Tears flooded my eyes. Morgan. My hands started to shake as I read the page.
"Oh my god" I whispered to myself as I took it all in. I didn't realize how much I meant to her. Whenever she said I save her life, I thought she was talking about the Andrew situation. Little did I know, she meant this as well. I reread the entry over and over again. Shivering at all the sweet things she said about me. I felt the same way about her. She's my world. She's my everything. Except now I was a heartless jerk who can't control his anger. How could I ever get her back. The worst part though is that I was the reason why her theory was true.
***Morgan's POV***
'I don't need you' The words rang out in my head over and over again, as I sat at the end of the driveway. The repeated in my mind, with the same force and cold tone Matt had said them in. Every time I heard them in my head it felt like someone was stabbing my heart. I just didn't understand. How could he say something like that.
I frantically dialed my phone, to call Brian.
"Hello" Brian answered happily.
"Come get me" I demanded, showing as little emotion in my voice as possible.
"Where are you?" Brian questioned.
"Matt's driveway" I sighed.
"What the fuck happened?" Brian sounded surprised.
"I'll explain later, just get here" I sobbed.
"I already left, I'm on my way" Brian said, as he hung up the phone.
I felt like I was in a dream.. no a Nightmare. My fucking nightmare. I couldn't take this. I had told Matt everything about me. How could I have trusted him? How could I have been so blind. I have to get out of here. I have to escape.
Brian's BMW pulled up next to me.
"Care for a lift?" He offered. I lifted myself up and climbed into his car.
"So where are we going?" Brian asked.
"The airport" I moaned.
"Your flights not for 2 days" Brian reminded me.
"I know, i'll try to get an early flight" I thought out loud.
Brian nodded his head, not questioning just respecting my decisions. Unlike Matt.
"So do you care to tell me what happened?" Brian asked.
"Matt and I had a fight, and we're not dating anymore I guess…" I sighed.
"You had a fight?… about what?" He raised his eyebrows.
"Well so when Matt asked if we should start where we left off… I said that I didn't know if I wanted to…"
"wait you didn't want to get back together with Matt?"
"Well.. I did but I mean you guys have to write an album, and I'm starting college. I figured it would be better if we went our separate ways…"
"Makes sense… anyways continue"
"So, he completely flipped out at me for saying that. He said he didn't want to come back with me and my messed up family anyways and my depression problems" I was crying hysterically now. The last part got to me. He didn't want to deal with my depression problems. It's not my fault I hated myself. It's not my fault I think i'm a worthless piece of shit. This didn't make me feel better though. "He also said he doesn't need me" I cried some more, remembering the last detail.
"He said that?" Brian asked quietly.
I nodded my head quickly, trying to keep my crying quiet.
"I'm so sorry, Morgan." Brian reached out his hand and stroked my hair, "Matt says things he doesn't mean when he's mad, I'm sure he didn't mean those things"
"Yeah" I mumbled.
"So thats it? you guys are over?"
"I mean, I told him I never wanted to see him again.. so I guess" I sighed.
Brian just nodded. I really liked talking to him, it was so natural. He payed attention so closely as well. It made me feel appreciated of whatever.
The drive to the airport was pretty quite. When we got to the airport. Brian walked me to the security line, which was as far as he could come with me.
"So I guess this is good bye?" He spoke.
"I guess" I sighed.
He pulled me into a tight hug and kissed my head softly.
"I'm so sorry all of this had to happen."
"I am too… I didn't want to leave like this." I mumbled into his shoulder.
Brian pulled away from the hug, but kept his hands on my shoulder, "do you think you're coming back anytime soon?"
"Maybe… thanksgiving? I don't know.. I'll have to see with college and all"
"Do whats best for you" Brian said sincerely, pulling me into another hug, "I'm going to miss you so much" He spoke into my hair.
"I'll miss you too"
"I love you, Morgan" Brian cooed.
"I love you, Brian" I replied.
We pulled out of the hug. Brian was crying. He quickly wiped the tears away from his eyes not wanting me to see them. He wiped the tears away from my eyes as well.
I nodded my head, and walked away. I hated dragging out goodbye's, it just made everything harder.
I boarded the plane soon enough. I was able to get a first class ticket. Brian bought it for me. When I boarded the plane, I sat in my seat which was next to a man who looked about 50.
"What's a young lady like you doing in first class" He asked, sounding surprised. I didn't know how to take his comment.
"Uhm, my boyfriend bought me the ticket." I sighed and felt a pang of sadness come over me. Matt.
"You don't sound to happy" He let out a small laugh.
"It's complicated" I looked out the window, we were taking off.
"I get it, Well see you when we land" He said as he rested his head back and closed his eyes.
The plane ride went by fairly fast. We landed soon enough. I decided to go back to the beach house first, then my house. I had to be strong. Despite the fact that I was scared to death to walk back into my house. I grabbed my belongings in the beach house, before locking it up for the winter and leaving. This was not at all how I wanted to say goodbye.
I made my journey to my house. I was hesitant, but I forced myself to go in. I ran up to my room, gathered all the belongings I needed and left as quickly as I came. Today was the day when I could get my dorm room at Northeastern. That's exactly what I did, maybe being at college will help me get my mind off of things.
When I arrived at the campus, there was almost no line. It was pretty late. I walked up to a lady at a desk who was under a white tent.
"You must be the last one" She laughed.
"Sorry" I half smiled.
"Name?"
"Morgan Stoermer"
"Dorm 400, here's your key"
"Thank you" I said as I took the key from here.
I had no idea where I was going, but I didn't really care. I walked into one building, and it had a plaque with 400 pointing to the right. I walked down the hallway and up a flight of stairs. There was a group of people sitting around in a living room type area, talking. I walked quickly past, I was in no mood to talk to anyone. I made my way down towards dorm 400. I opened the door. The first thing I thought was, my room mate handn't arrived yet. I began to set up my side of the room. I put sheets on the bed, hung a few small posters up, that I loved to look at. They were or The Clash, Rancid, Sex Pistols and one was a collage I had made. Next to them I put a bulletin board. It's like a home away from home already.
I looked out the window. Every time I came to the city I was reminded of how much I love it here. Boston is beautiful at night, all the buildings lit up. People scurrying by. I noticed a few with Red Sox shirts, they were probably going to the game. That's the reason why I've always wanted to come here. Fenway park is right down the street. Despite the unfortunate events of today, I was satisfied in a weird way. I didn't necessarily agree with it, but it was nice. Maybe this was the escape I had been looking for all along
TO BE CONTINUED...
Notes
I think this is the longest chapter I've ever written 0.0but enjoy it because... THAT'S THE END!!!!!
for now... :)
BUT I just wanted to thank those of you that have read this fan fiction :) It really means a lot to me. I know my writing isn't the best. Actually in some chapters I think it absolutely sucked (I'm trying). But this was the first fan fiction i've ever written so yeah!
I'm really excited to write the sequel... I don't know exactly when I'll be publishing it between school and homework and all that good stuff -.-, but you guys can expect it within the next month! I have some good things in store :)
9/15/13