I tried to close my eyes, but even behind my eyelids I could see the disturbing images of myself. I tried to sleep but I just couldn't get the image out of my head. I sank down to the gorund afer I don't know how long of screaming. I was tired, physically cut down and I stared at the image the mirror reflected. A red haired, pale faced, hollow eyed girl. I didn't recognize her. She was not the girl I once was and I couldn't decide who I liked better. The other girl, a distant memory, was much happier, not as un- social, not anxious all the time, she did not have depression. Though the girl in front of me was thin, the way I want to look, protruding collar bones, skin papery thin, whit, and hollow eyes that seemed to look straight into my soul. Even though I knew this girl was me, A year earlier I could not have picked my present self in a line up.

I never expected to end up like this, nothing ever happens to anyone in my region, let alone anyone in my tiny school. The worst thing that has ever happened was when Ellen's horse fell on her and she broke her leg in three places, she had to use a wheelchair for months. Other than that, nothing ever happens. I wondered if anyone at school noticed that I wasn't there the next day, or the day after that, maybe even a week later. I barely talked to anyone, ever, but I never reached out of my comfort zone. I wrapped myself up in my little coccoon each morning and head off to school, ready to start the day. I doubt even my parents know I'm missing, I was under the impression that after I left there would be no contact and I doubt my Aunt would ever call to report that I never made it considering she's always hopped up on drugs and alcohol. All these hopes made me lose hope, no one was looking for me, no one ever would. I have to accept that this is my life now, I was doomed to stay here. Maybe I should just accept it and learn to cope. By the time Shadows came to get me, I was compliant, I was ready to obey,

I was sitting at the bottom of the closet when the lights went off. Relief flooded through me as my eyes got a rest from staring at myself. I knew that it was time to leave, someone would come get me, and inevitably, that someone would be Shadows.

"Are you ready to eat? Are you ready to keep it down? Are you ready to gain weight? Are you ready to obey?" All of his questions bombarded me at once. I didn't want to eat, eating meant keeping it down, especially since he knew my dirty little secret. Keeping it down meant gaining weight and that was not something I could handle. I strived and worked hard to look the way I do, and I didn't want all my progress to be destroyed in a matter of weeks. But I was ready to obey.

"Yes."

"Yes, what?" He demanded, standing over me with his arms crossed.

"Yes, Master." I whispered, tears slipping down my face. Even though I accepted this as my life, that did not mean that I wasn't going to try to get out of it. I may never be able to escape, they wil certainly never let me leave, the only way I could ever see leaving, was by death. This realization didn't even come as a shock to me, I feel like I had known this all along, I knew that this would be the only way out. I was not sad and I wasn't even scared of hurting those I love because for all I know they don't even know I'm gone. I wouldn't be hurting anyone but myself, and I was fine with that thought.

He held his hand out, and when I took it, he helped me up, not forcefully, but gently. He held my hand in his big one and led me back to his room. When we walked by a window I saw that night had fallen quite some time ago. The sky was a midnight blue, and the stars were all out, shining brightly like nothing in the world was wrong. Everything I saw depressed me, the bright stars, the dark hallways, his hand entwined with mine. Everything. The claws of depression were closing in around me, like they had before I got diagnosed. I could feel the black edges closing around my vision. I was in a downward spiral, headed straight to death.

When we got to his room, he held the door for me and led to the bed, sitting me down on the edge of the bed. He crouched down in front of me, meeting me eye to eye. he put his hands on my upper legs and I was forced to look away, not wanting to meet his intense stare. I was expecting pain, a slap to the face, a right hook, a blow to the stomach, but nothing came.

"Hey, look at me." He whispered softly. I wanted to, in fear of pain, but I couldn't bring myself to meet his intense gaze. Those hazel eyes bore into me, I could feel them boring into the top of my head. I felt like those eyes already held so much power of me, it scared me. His hand went under my chin and lightly lifted it up.

"Do you understand why I'm mad?" He asked me. His tone was in no way angry or forceful. he sounded like a boyfriend talking to his girlfriend, or a father talking to his daughter. I couldn't find any words, I was speechless. In response I just nodded my head. "Are you going to do it or anything like it, again?" In response, I shook my head. His hold on my chin finally loosened and I looked down at my lap. The tears started to swim in my eyes and I just let them fall, not caring that it made me look weak. I din't know why I was crying, but the were so many emotions swimming in my mind that I couldn't make sense of any one of them. He brought one hand up to the side of my head, softly stroking my hair as he bent down and kissed my forehead, his lips barely touching my skin. He stood up and walked over to the dresser.

He stripped of his clothes, all except for his boxers and walked back over to me. He stood me up, lifted my sweater up over my head and pulled down my sweat pants, so I was left in my spandex shorts and a tank top. He softly laid me down on the bed, tucked me in and slipped his arm around my waist, holding me tightly and keeping me warm.

Shadows quickly fell asleep. I could feel his rythmic breathing, the steady beat of his heart. All through the night I could not bring myself to fall asleep. I laid awake, all night, silent tears streaming down my face, the only thing heard in the room was my occaisonal sniff. I watched through the bars on his window as the sky turned from deep purple to a gradual pale blue. My eyes were heavy and dry by the time he started to wake up. He took his arm away from my waist and flipped over. Feeling this weight lifted off of my body, I felt free to move around the room.

I explored every inch of the room, there was no weak stop in the bars on the window, no keys hidden in the drawers belonging to the locks on the door. I walked into the closet, finding no unusual items, nothing secretive, notihng hidden in the piles of clothes. Finally, I walked into the bathroom. I checked every drawer and cupboard, every nook and crany, nothing I could use to cause any real damage to myself or to the monster lying in bed. I stood in front of the mirror, palms facing the mirror, and I looked at my forearms. I could still make out the faint pink lines slashed across my wrists. I saw them and yearned for them to be opened again. I walked over to the shower, opened the door and took apart the disposable razor that had been placed there for me. I took it over the counter and carefully deconstructed it. When I was finished, I held four perfectly made, perfectly sharp, perfectly cold metal razors in my open palm. I closed my hand around them and walked around the room, fining a place to hide each one. One the top of the book case. In between the pages of the dustiest book. Taped to the bottom of the last drawer in his dresser. Under the matress on my side of the bed. I hid one in a different area so he would never find them all, let alone one. I hid them so I knew where they were, so I knew where to go if I ever got the urge.

Then I slipped back into bed and waited for him to wake up for the day. When he finally did wake up fully, he got out of bed and walked directly out the door. I didn't know what to do, did I follow him? Did I stay here? Without instruction I was scared to move anywhere. I suppose that when he figured out I wasn't following him, he turned on his heel and poked his head into the room, scratching the back of his head.

"Are you gonna follow me, or do I have to carry you?" He asked, his usual tone back and in full force. Without a moments wait, I scrambled out of bed and followed closely behind him, btu not too close. Suddenly, he stopped in the middle of the hallway abruptly. Not having enough noticed, I slammed into his hard, muscular back making me stumble back a few steps. "Something seems different this morning." He resumed walking, but quickened his pace. I had to practically run to keep up with his qucik, long strides. When we got down to the kitchen I was suprised to see the sight before me. Jimmy sat at the kitchen table, a bag of frozen peas pressed against his left eye and Brian had a bag of corn strapped to his right cheek. "What the fuck happened?" Shadows boomed, the sound of his voice echoed throughout the lare room.

"Shithead over there was questioning your authority!"

"Fuck that, I was just bringing up a thought that has been on almost all of our minds!"

"And that was?" Shadows questioned, arms crossed, eyebrows raised.

"Well the other guys, except Jimmy, have been thinking that maybe it should be someone else's turn with her. If you can't break her, let someone else try! One of us will surely be able to do the trick! I know I certainly want my turn with that sweet, young piece of ass over there." Brian said, hungerly, looking me up and down, licking his lips. I didn't dare meet his eyes so I just hid behind Shadows, burying my head in between his shoulder blades. I hated how they talked to me as if I was on object, one of their possessions.

"If you guys haven't noticed, she's already broken. She broke herself, you guys aren't needed. You guys don't get a turn. She's my girl, you've all had your own personal girls and this one is mine. Fuck! some of you have your own girls right now!" So there were other girls just like me in this house.

"Yes, but none of them are as young and pure as she is!" Zacky shouted, pointing right at me, well to where I was hiding behind Shadows. "She's six- fucking- teen! I'm dying to drive my rock hard cock into her tight little pussy. My girl is like fucking 20, it's not the same anymore. I'm done with her! I want my turn with her!"

"What I wouldn't give to be the one to corrupt her. What I wouldn't give to hear her moan my name." Brian said, biting his lip. I could tell that he was getting turned on just by talking about it. "Plus, when we took her, it was never specified that she was yours and only yours, technically she belongs to ther group." Gates pointed out, smirking smugly because he knew he was right.

"Fine, Brian gets her tonight then!" Shadows sighed, grabbing me from behind him and shoving my towards Brian like I was a rag doll. "We're making a schedule! No more fighting about this shit!" Brian quickly caught me and threw me over his shoulder. He quickly marched up to his room, slammed the door shut and threw me on the bed. I bounced on the matress and quickly righted myself but not before he started shedding his clothes and advancing on me.

When he was close enough, I threw my leg out and caught him in his most sensitive area. The act caught him by surprise and made him drop to his knees. When he collapsed on the floor I took it as my cue to make a run for it. I was out of the room and down the hall when I heard thundering footsteps coming up behind me. Do these guys always wear shoes? I was about to turn the corner when two tattooed arms snaked around my waist, pulling me back hard against his chest.

"You won't get away that easily, Peanut." He whispered in my ear, his breath ho against my ear. He stuck his tongue out and licked the edge of my ear, nibbling on the lobe.

"You disgusting, vile pig." I sneered, even though he couldn't see my face, my tone held all he needed to know about how I was feeling. I was thrashing around in his arms, trying to get free, but of course, that wasn't going to happen. He turned us around and marched us back to his room. All along the way, I dug my nails into the walls, hoping to catch a break. My fingers finally caught on the lip of the door frame. "Let me go, fat man!" I screamed at him.

More footsteps could be heard coming up the stairs, several pairs of them. I was struggling to keep myself on the opposite side of the door when Zacky made his entrance.

"So, how's it comin Bri? It looks like you're doing a great job breaking her in." Zacky smirked, leaning against the wall.

"Fuck off, Zacky. I don't need commentary from the peanut gallery. "

"If I had gotten her first, she'd be broken by now." Next Jimmy came into view.

"Problems?" He asked, though there was no sense of laughter or joking in his voice.

"Do not start with me Jimmy, I will beat your ass again." He gave a stronger tug and my fingers began to slip. With one final tug, I came tumbling into the room, landing on him. He quickly shoved me off and slammed the door shut, hard this time, the entire room shaking.

His room was just as big as Shadows', with a bathroom and a large walk in closet. He was still facing the door, apparently trying to collect himself. I started, quietly, crawling towards the bathroom. I planned to get into the bathroom and lock myself in there. I hadn't even made it half way when his arm closed around my ankle, dragging me back to him. He flipped me over a quickly stradled me, ensuring I wasn't going to go anywhere.

"Why are you so good with Shadows? Are you his little bitch now? Are you dick whipped? Do you like it when he pounds into you? Filling you up to the brim?" He said, getting so close to me our noses were touching, his eyes staring right into mine.

"Shut up! I do not! Get off of me, you fat ass!" I screamed at him, turning my head away from him.

"Does he scare you, Peanut? Does he make your skin crawl? Because I can do that too, I'll make you so scared you'll wish you were never born." He bit into the flesh on my cheek. His hands started to roam my body, groping places that should never be touched by a man 12 years older than me.

"Please don't do this. I'll behave, just please. Not this." I pleaded with him.

"But Peanut, how do you expect me to stop when you're lying here underneath me?" He asked. He then grabbed one of my hands in his large one and started guiding it towards his pants. I resisted him, trying to snatch my hand away from him. No matter how hard I pulled, he would not let go. When he had finally succeeded, I could feel his erection through his pants, I could feel how much he wanted me and it repulsed me even more. Why did these men want me, a young teenage girl?

"Get off of you, you disgusting vile, whore!" I spat at him. When I looked up into his eyes, they were no longer filled with lust, they were now filled with anger. His chocolate brown eyes were now clouded and murky. As the word whore slipped through my lips, he gave me a wicked slap. Then, he picked my head up by the hair and slammed it back into the ground. I could see stars and bright white dots dancing in my vision. Then he picked himself off of me and stood above me, glaring down.

"Get up," he demanded. He wasn't shouting and that's what scared me the most, his voice was calm and threatening, that was the worst kind of anger. My head was still spinning and my eyes were going in and out of focus. I had barely enough time to register what he had said when he stomped his steel- toed boot clad foot down on my stomach. A scream flew from my mouth and echoed throughout the room.

He bent down, grabbed me by the forearm and yanked me up, gripping my arm so tightly I could tell that I would have a bruise there tomorrow morning, one of many. Even though he was trying to make me stand straight, my muscles wouldn't allow it.

"Next time, when I tell you to do something, you better fucking do it!" He said, getting right up close to my face. I could barely look him in the eye, and this seemed to anger him more. "LOOK AT ME!" He screamed, letting his anger loose. I looked up at him from my bent posture and quickly closed my eyes when I felt nauseous. He let out a roar of anger as he shoved me towards the wall beside his bed. I couldn't stop myself as his strength sent me careening into his bedside table. As I crashed into the table, I knocked off a lamp, causing it to smash into a thousand, tiny shard shards, to which I fell into. I felt each piece pierce my skin, I could feel blood seep through my tank top, making it stick to my skin. A moan of pain made its way through my lips.

As I lay there, trying to battle of the strong urge to pass out, he crouched down right in front of my face. "Well, Peanut, this was fun, maybe next time, when you're all cleaned up, we can do something that we both find fun," he smirked. "Now get up." This time I didn't dare disobey him. He walked my to the door and held it open for me. As I limped my way out into the hall, he called after me one last time. "Now don't be a stranger!" he chucled as he slammed the door closed.

I stumbled down the hall, getting lost in the twists and turns. I wasn't even looking where I was going, I just knew I wanted to get far far away from his room. I clutched my bleeding stomch, as I limped down a random hallway and I heard a door open. Bracing myself for the worst, I stood still and looked down at the ground.

"Holly? What are you doing all the way down here? Matt's room is in the other direction." Jimmy questioned, walking towards me. "Holly? are you okay?" He asked, when he was close enough, I dropped my hands to show my blood stained white tnak top, and stumbled towards him. When I could no longer myself up, I collapsed, before I could hit the ground Jimmy's arms flew out and caught me. "What the fuck happened to you?" He demanded. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up."

He led me to his room and into the bathroom, he sat me down on the toilet and perched before me. "I'm going to have to take off your shirt to see exactly whats going on. Is that okay." I couldn't form words, I no longer had the energy. When no protest came, he started to peel the sticky shirt away from my cut skin. There were still pieces of glass in my skin and as he started pulling out the pieces the pain was almost unbearable. With each piece he pulled out, a scream of pain followed it. Tears were brought to my eyes and it looked like the sounds coming from me were making his own eyes water. "Please don't cry, I know it hurts, but it'll be over soon," he tried to soothe me, but his words had no effect on me. When he was done, tears were streaming down both of our faces. He hugged my closely and let my cry until the pain wasn't as bad, though that never happened. After a while he carried me to his bed and softly laid me down.

I culred up in a ball and let the tears flow freely. My breathing became ragged and I started to lose my breath. I coughed and coughed, trying to drag in more breath, but after each cough a little bit of blood sputtered out of my mouth. I didn't know where the blood was coming from, but I knew that whever it was coming from, it wasn't good. He laid beside me, rubbing soothing circles on my back when I could here a phone ringing somewhere far off. Jimmy got up, pressed a light kiss on my temple and promised me he would be right back. He grabbed his cell phone off of the dresser and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Far off I could hear angry words that were muffled by the door. Whoever was on the phone, Jimmy was not happy with them. Only one word rang loud and clear through the door. "Fine!" Jimmy had shouted just before he walked out of the bathroom. He walked over to me and took my hand in his. "Sweetie, Matt says you have to go back." He slipped one arm around my waist and helped me stand. We took our time as he led me away from his room and towards Shadows' room. When we stood infront of his overly large bedroom door, Jimmy took his arm away from me and knocked on the door. With a parting good-bye, he left me standing alone in the hallway as I could hear Shadows getting closer to the door.

When he opened the door, he wrapped his big arms around me and hugged me as I continued to cry. For past hour I was not able to stop myself from crying. One arm was around my waist and the other was one my head, rubbing my hair, trying to calm me down.

"Please don't make me go back there." I sobbed into his chest, crying even more as the words left my mouth.

"Don't worry, honey, you'll never have to go back there. You're safe now. Please don't cry."