I Won't See You Tonight
I Won't See You Tonight
“No, I have to go! I don’t have time for this.” I was almost yelling into the receiver of the phone at her.
“What do you mean you don’t have time for this? You never have time for me anymore Johnny. What the fuck is going on?” She yelled back.
“Nothing… just, just never mind ok?” I said. I could hear her sobbing on the other end.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep worrying about you and if you’re going to be ok. I haven’t seen you in six weeks Johnny. The guys are even worried about you.” She said as she continued to cry.
“You think this is easy for me? You think it’s easy waking up everyday knowing that he’s gone? He’s fuckin gone and I can’t bring him back.” I yelled.
“Baby I know. I know that he is and I wish I could take your pain away. But you need to talk to someone, let someone help you instead of…” She stopped, I knew where she was going with this, it always went there.
“Instead of what? Huh? Slowly killing myself? Drinking bottle after bottle everynight just to forget about everything? By taking more aspirin then I should everyday then drinking right after? I’d rather live like that and numb myself then have to deal with the pain.” I told her.
“Why do you want to leave me? Do you know what that would do to me? Or what it would do to the rest of the guys, your brothers. It would kill us Johnny.” She told me. “Please, let me come over, just let me see you.”
“No, it’s better off if you don’t.” I told her and hung up the phone.
It’s been 4 months since Jimmy’s passing and I was taking it hard. Of course I would right? He was my best friend, most of all he was my brother. It was hard waking up every morning knowing that he won’t be here, knowing that he won’t be able to enjoy life anymore.
I was sick as fuck, and I knew I needed help… but I was too stubborn to admit to anyone that I do. I couldn’t stand thinking about it anymore; it was drilling a hole in me, leaving me feeling empty inside. I would wake up in the morning and pop a few pills to cure a hangover that I had from the night before, only to pop open a bottle of Jack or anything else that I could get my hands on. I knew mixing prescription drugs with alcohol didn’t mix well; I knew it could kill me. But at this point it didn’t matter. Anything would be better than having to go day to day like this.
I got up and headed to the kitchen and searched the cabinets for some aspirin. When I found it I took about 9 of them, not caring at all. I just want it to go away, to numb myself from all feeling. There was an open bottle of Jack sitting on the counter so I grabbed it and headed for the living room, plopping down on the couch and tipping the bottle back, taking one long pull from it. I felt the warmness from the liquid hit my throat and make it’s way to my stomach. It wouldn’t be long now till I was completely numb from everything.
I laid my head back against the couch and closed my eyes but I didn’t like what I saw. Pictures flashing through my mind, all the memories that he left behind. This wasn’t right. I took another long pull from the bottle and didn’t stop till it was gone. The bottle was empty so I threw it across the room, it hit the wall smashing all over. I got up and headed towards the kitchen to find another bottle, to find anything. I remembered there was a bottle of Rum that Zacky left here during his last visit… I’m sure he wouldn’t miss that any. I popped the lid and took a few sips. I could feel the warmness taking over my body, I was starting to feel numb and that’s what I wanted.
Making my way back to the living room something hit me. Everything was spinning and my eyes got blurry. I brought my hand up to lean against the wall, dropping the bottle and before I knew it everything went black.
~~~~~~~
I woke up to a beeping sound. My throat burned and I had needles stuck in my arm. I brought my hand up and rubbed my eyes, blinking a few times and looking around I saw I was in a hospital bed. I don’t remember how I got here or what happened.
“Johnny?” I looked up and saw Anna standing in the doorway.
I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. Her footsteps got closer and I felt the side of the bed sink a bit from where she sat.
“Baby… talk to me.” She said. I could hear hurt in her voice, pure pain.
“I… I can’t keep doing this Anna. It hurts.” I told her trying to hold back my own tears.
“I know it does baby. But you need to talk about it. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. I can’t lose you too.” She said and she rubbed my cheek with the back of her hand. I took her hand and held it there, letting the tears flow.
She shifted towards me and wrapped her arms around me, placing her head against my chest. She just held me as she cried with me.
“Please don’t leave me.” She told me.
“I won’t.” I reassured her.
I heard more footsteps enter the room, I looked over and Matt, Brian and Zacky were standing in the doorway. Their faces held a look of worry, of pain and fear. I gave them a half smile, reassuring them that I was ok.
“Who found me?” I asked.
“Zacky did. He went to your place to check up on you and found you on the floor between the kitchen and living room. You weren’t breathing man.” Matt told me.
“Fuckin’ scared the shit out of me dude.” Zacky said and walked over and took a seat in the chair by the window.
“I’m sorry.” I told them all.
“You can’t continue doing this to yourself Johnny. We won’t allow it. We already lost one brother; we’re not going to lose another one.” Brains told me as he leaned against the wall and folded his arms across his chest.
“We want you to get help. Go talk to someone, therapist and go to AA meetings.” Matt told me.
I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t keep living like this. I couldn’t leave the guys or Anna.
I ended up spending the next 2 days in the hospital so the doctors could make sure I had everything out of my system and that I was going to be ok. Then the next week shifting on and off between AA meetings and seeing a therapist. I had to get my life back on track, I needed to make things right… Jimmy would have wanted me to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I pulled up to the cemetery and turned the car off. I haven’t been here since the day of the funeral; I had avoided it at all cost. It even got to the point where I took the long way around town just so I didn’t have to pass here everyday.
I opened the car door and stepped out, bringing along the flowers that I had bought to place on his grave. I was alone but I knew someone would be along soon and I didn’t know how this would go. I made my way over to his grave and found it covered with notes, trinkets and others things left behind from fans. I placed the flowers down on the only open spot I could find then placed my hand on top of the grave.
“Hey Jimmy.” I began. “I miss you man… we all do. It’s hard not having you here anymore. I expect to wake up in the morning and have a voicemail or text with some crazy as story from you. It’s hard now you know?”
I shoved my hands in my pockets and let my head fall back, looking up to the sky. It was getting darker and the rain would be coming soon.
“I’ve fucked up Jimmy and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to fix everything. “ I felt the tears forming in my eyes but I held them back. “I‘ve been talking to a therapist to help me get back in line. Going to AA meetings to stop the drinking. That seems to be working but the pain of everything is still there. I know I have to be here, for the guys and for Anna… but I just wish you were here with us still man. I miss you like crazy… we all do.” I felt the rain starting to come down and I knew it was a matter of seconds till it was fully pouring.
“I should get going JimBud. I’ll be back to visit… I always will be. I promise to get better and fix everything. I love you man.” I brought my hand up to my lips to kiss it then placed my hand back on top of his grave. The thunder started to roll and I knew it was Jimmy.
I turned to walk away and saw Anna standing there with tears in her eyes. I walked over to her and let everything out. I sank to my knees and just held onto her, letting out everything that I’ve held in. The tears flowed even though I didn’t want them to. It felt good to cry though, to let go of all the pain that I’ve been holding in. I knew Jimmy would want me to get better, to continue making music and just live everyday to the fullest.
Anna kneeled down in front of me and held me as I cried. This is the first time in so long that I felt so vulnerable, showing my emotions wasn’t something I did. But I had to be strong for Jimmy, I had to carry on with living and get better. Being in the hospital and almost dying made me wake up. It made me realize that I have so much more to live for. For the band, the fans, the music and to start a life with Anna. Now I knew what I had to do to get through everything.
“I’m determined to live ‘til I get old and gray, because Jimmy never got to.” – Johnny Christ
“What do you mean you don’t have time for this? You never have time for me anymore Johnny. What the fuck is going on?” She yelled back.
“Nothing… just, just never mind ok?” I said. I could hear her sobbing on the other end.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep worrying about you and if you’re going to be ok. I haven’t seen you in six weeks Johnny. The guys are even worried about you.” She said as she continued to cry.
“You think this is easy for me? You think it’s easy waking up everyday knowing that he’s gone? He’s fuckin gone and I can’t bring him back.” I yelled.
“Baby I know. I know that he is and I wish I could take your pain away. But you need to talk to someone, let someone help you instead of…” She stopped, I knew where she was going with this, it always went there.
“Instead of what? Huh? Slowly killing myself? Drinking bottle after bottle everynight just to forget about everything? By taking more aspirin then I should everyday then drinking right after? I’d rather live like that and numb myself then have to deal with the pain.” I told her.
“Why do you want to leave me? Do you know what that would do to me? Or what it would do to the rest of the guys, your brothers. It would kill us Johnny.” She told me. “Please, let me come over, just let me see you.”
“No, it’s better off if you don’t.” I told her and hung up the phone.
It’s been 4 months since Jimmy’s passing and I was taking it hard. Of course I would right? He was my best friend, most of all he was my brother. It was hard waking up every morning knowing that he won’t be here, knowing that he won’t be able to enjoy life anymore.
I was sick as fuck, and I knew I needed help… but I was too stubborn to admit to anyone that I do. I couldn’t stand thinking about it anymore; it was drilling a hole in me, leaving me feeling empty inside. I would wake up in the morning and pop a few pills to cure a hangover that I had from the night before, only to pop open a bottle of Jack or anything else that I could get my hands on. I knew mixing prescription drugs with alcohol didn’t mix well; I knew it could kill me. But at this point it didn’t matter. Anything would be better than having to go day to day like this.
I got up and headed to the kitchen and searched the cabinets for some aspirin. When I found it I took about 9 of them, not caring at all. I just want it to go away, to numb myself from all feeling. There was an open bottle of Jack sitting on the counter so I grabbed it and headed for the living room, plopping down on the couch and tipping the bottle back, taking one long pull from it. I felt the warmness from the liquid hit my throat and make it’s way to my stomach. It wouldn’t be long now till I was completely numb from everything.
I laid my head back against the couch and closed my eyes but I didn’t like what I saw. Pictures flashing through my mind, all the memories that he left behind. This wasn’t right. I took another long pull from the bottle and didn’t stop till it was gone. The bottle was empty so I threw it across the room, it hit the wall smashing all over. I got up and headed towards the kitchen to find another bottle, to find anything. I remembered there was a bottle of Rum that Zacky left here during his last visit… I’m sure he wouldn’t miss that any. I popped the lid and took a few sips. I could feel the warmness taking over my body, I was starting to feel numb and that’s what I wanted.
Making my way back to the living room something hit me. Everything was spinning and my eyes got blurry. I brought my hand up to lean against the wall, dropping the bottle and before I knew it everything went black.
~~~~~~~
I woke up to a beeping sound. My throat burned and I had needles stuck in my arm. I brought my hand up and rubbed my eyes, blinking a few times and looking around I saw I was in a hospital bed. I don’t remember how I got here or what happened.
“Johnny?” I looked up and saw Anna standing in the doorway.
I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. Her footsteps got closer and I felt the side of the bed sink a bit from where she sat.
“Baby… talk to me.” She said. I could hear hurt in her voice, pure pain.
“I… I can’t keep doing this Anna. It hurts.” I told her trying to hold back my own tears.
“I know it does baby. But you need to talk about it. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. I can’t lose you too.” She said and she rubbed my cheek with the back of her hand. I took her hand and held it there, letting the tears flow.
She shifted towards me and wrapped her arms around me, placing her head against my chest. She just held me as she cried with me.
“Please don’t leave me.” She told me.
“I won’t.” I reassured her.
I heard more footsteps enter the room, I looked over and Matt, Brian and Zacky were standing in the doorway. Their faces held a look of worry, of pain and fear. I gave them a half smile, reassuring them that I was ok.
“Who found me?” I asked.
“Zacky did. He went to your place to check up on you and found you on the floor between the kitchen and living room. You weren’t breathing man.” Matt told me.
“Fuckin’ scared the shit out of me dude.” Zacky said and walked over and took a seat in the chair by the window.
“I’m sorry.” I told them all.
“You can’t continue doing this to yourself Johnny. We won’t allow it. We already lost one brother; we’re not going to lose another one.” Brains told me as he leaned against the wall and folded his arms across his chest.
“We want you to get help. Go talk to someone, therapist and go to AA meetings.” Matt told me.
I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t keep living like this. I couldn’t leave the guys or Anna.
I ended up spending the next 2 days in the hospital so the doctors could make sure I had everything out of my system and that I was going to be ok. Then the next week shifting on and off between AA meetings and seeing a therapist. I had to get my life back on track, I needed to make things right… Jimmy would have wanted me to.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I pulled up to the cemetery and turned the car off. I haven’t been here since the day of the funeral; I had avoided it at all cost. It even got to the point where I took the long way around town just so I didn’t have to pass here everyday.
I opened the car door and stepped out, bringing along the flowers that I had bought to place on his grave. I was alone but I knew someone would be along soon and I didn’t know how this would go. I made my way over to his grave and found it covered with notes, trinkets and others things left behind from fans. I placed the flowers down on the only open spot I could find then placed my hand on top of the grave.
“Hey Jimmy.” I began. “I miss you man… we all do. It’s hard not having you here anymore. I expect to wake up in the morning and have a voicemail or text with some crazy as story from you. It’s hard now you know?”
I shoved my hands in my pockets and let my head fall back, looking up to the sky. It was getting darker and the rain would be coming soon.
“I’ve fucked up Jimmy and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to fix everything. “ I felt the tears forming in my eyes but I held them back. “I‘ve been talking to a therapist to help me get back in line. Going to AA meetings to stop the drinking. That seems to be working but the pain of everything is still there. I know I have to be here, for the guys and for Anna… but I just wish you were here with us still man. I miss you like crazy… we all do.” I felt the rain starting to come down and I knew it was a matter of seconds till it was fully pouring.
“I should get going JimBud. I’ll be back to visit… I always will be. I promise to get better and fix everything. I love you man.” I brought my hand up to my lips to kiss it then placed my hand back on top of his grave. The thunder started to roll and I knew it was Jimmy.
I turned to walk away and saw Anna standing there with tears in her eyes. I walked over to her and let everything out. I sank to my knees and just held onto her, letting out everything that I’ve held in. The tears flowed even though I didn’t want them to. It felt good to cry though, to let go of all the pain that I’ve been holding in. I knew Jimmy would want me to get better, to continue making music and just live everyday to the fullest.
Anna kneeled down in front of me and held me as I cried. This is the first time in so long that I felt so vulnerable, showing my emotions wasn’t something I did. But I had to be strong for Jimmy, I had to carry on with living and get better. Being in the hospital and almost dying made me wake up. It made me realize that I have so much more to live for. For the band, the fans, the music and to start a life with Anna. Now I knew what I had to do to get through everything.
“I’m determined to live ‘til I get old and gray, because Jimmy never got to.” – Johnny Christ
Notes
This was hard to write.......I got the idea of it while listening to "I Won't See You Tonight Pt. 1" and the words just seemed to flow.
Comments are always welcome
RIP Jimmy. You are foREVer missed and loved.
<3
