I ran through the hospital doors and threw my arms around Zacky when I saw him. It couldn’t be true, Jimmy couldn’t be gone. I hadn’t started crying yet, because I was still in denial about all of it. I didn’t – I couldn’t – believe that he was dead. I was still in my pajamas because the first thing I did after I got off the phone with Zacky was head straight for the hospital. I even left Brian and Saleigh behind, I didn’t tell them anything.

“I’m so sorry,” Zacky said, you could hear in his voice that he had been crying. I didn’t blame him, the guys were all really close.

“He – he can’t…” I wasn’t able to get out any sentences, because that’s when I broke down.

“Zackary Baker?” There was a doctor at the double doors calling out Zacky’s name, and he turned to him as I sat down in one of the waiting chairs.

“Over here,” Zacky said, and sat down next to me, rubbing my back.

“I’m sorry to say this, but James Sullivan has been confirmed dead. We’ve done everything we can,” he seemed sincerely sad about this, “but we found this in his pocket,” I didn’t look up from my hands, and my shoulders and upper back heaved as I sobbed. Soon, I felt Zacky’s arms around me. I felt like my life was over, like I was defeated. The guy that I loved was gone, and he was never coming back.

“Shh,” Zacky said, “it’s going to be okay,” he tried to sooth me, but it wasn’t helping.

“How could you say that,” I looked up, and there were thick trails of tears going down his cheeks, “he’s gone. It’s not okay.” I stood up, and started walking towards the doors. I didn’t look back as I left the hospital, and drove back to my apartment. There were police cruisers all over it, and crime scene tape. I parked my car, and cut off the engine. I stared blankly at the stairs that led up to my front door, scared to go up them. My phone started ringing, interrupting me from my thoughts. I looked at the caller ID as Zacky’s name came up, and pressed the ignore button. I rested my forehead on the steering wheel, and my phone made a sound, signaling I had a text. I opened it, finding it was from Zacky. “You should stay at the house with Saleigh and I. Please.” It read. That would mean I’d have to go up in the apartment and get my stuff.

I got out of the car, and headed towards the stairs, “Excuse me, ma’am,” an officer blocked me from the bottom of the stairs.

“Yes,” I asked bluntly.

“This is a crime scene,” he told me. I hoped this didn’t mean that I couldn’t grab any of my stuff.

“This is my apartment. I need to get some stuff, to stay at a friend’s house,” I said.

“Oh?” Another officer walked up to us, “you live in this apartment?” she asked, and I nodded my head.

“So where were you when the victim died?” she asked, and I put my head in my hands. Tears poured out as the reminder that Jimmy was dead rung through my ears.

“I was at my friend’s,” I said between sobs.

“Do you have anybody that can validate that?” She asked, and I nodded again. Was she really putting me down as a suspect.

“Okay, we’re going to ask you to come with us. You’re not under arrest-“

“If I’m not under arrest, then I’m not going with you. I’ll give you the names of the people who can tell you where I was, and when I was there. Zacky Baker, Saleigh Vaughn, and Brian Haner Jr.” I said.

“Can you tell us why you were there?” she asked. I figured from all of the CSI that I watched, perhaps she was a detective.

“Yesterday morning, James was acting strange. It was hurting me to see him like that, you know. He wouldn’t eat, or even get up from bed, so I went to stay at my friend’s house. This morning, Zacky came over to talk to him, and see what was up, and – and,” I tried to finish my alibi, but I couldn’t get the words out.

“Zackary Baker. He found the victim’s body,” she said, and I nodded, “Alright, we’ll let you get a few things, and you can take me to this friend’s house,” she said, and I nodded again. I went up the stairs, through the yellow tape, and through the door. It was just the same, but had a few officers here and there. I walked back to the room that I shared with Jimmy, where more officers were.

“Detective Adams,” a guy came up, “I found these on the night stand,” he held up an evidence bag of syringes, and prescription bottles, “there are more empty Jack Daniels bottles over there too. If you asked me, this looks like a suicide,” he finished, and I tried not to let his words effect me as I went back to my closet, and grabbed a suitcase. I went through the room, throwing things in the suitcase that I would need. I finished, and zipped the lid on it, and started walking back out, until I passed the door to the other room; the room with all of the instruments. I stood the suitcase up, and opened the door. Everything had been how it was left. I could see through the window’s reflection that the detective was standing in the doorway, watching me. I sat down on the piano stool, my fingers brushing over the piano. Jimmy had played so many beautiful tunes on this old instrument. I was about to get up, when I noticed a few distinctive scratches in the surface of the piano’s wood. I looked more closely at the scratches, finding out it was a carving. The letters read out ‘I love you, Payden’, and I let my fingertips linger over the carving.

“Steve, there’s more empty alcohol bottles in here,” I heard the woman behind me. I looked down beside me, more whiskey bottles. This carving wasn’t here Christmas day, when Jimmy was trying to teach me to play before we left for Matt and Val’s. I tried to smile at how happy we were that day. Then the thought crossed, he loved me. He did this while I was at Saleigh and Zacky’s house. I wiped off the tears using my shirt sleeve. They were coming out nonstop, and I couldn’t help it. I stood up again, and took one last look at it before I left the room. I picked up my suitcase again, and walked out to my car, “Where are you going?” the woman asked and I scoffed.

“You can follow my car. I’ll even give you the address to the house, but I’m not riding passenger in your damn vehicle,” I said, and opened my trunk. I placed in my suitcase, and got in the driver’s seat. This woman was seriously starting to get on my nerves. I backed out of the parking spot once again, and headed towards Saleigh and Zacky’s house.

,,,

“Thank fuck she’s gone,” Saleigh sighed as she sat down on the couch.

“She was a straight up bitch,” Brian said as he lay back in the recliner.

“I was about to cut off her limbs, and burn them, and spread them in four different states,” Saleigh continued.

“You scare me,” Brian said, scooting away from her a little bit.

“Good,” they went back and forth while I sat there staring at my lap. It got bad enough to where I couldn’t take it, so I got up, and walked to the bathroom that was in the room I was going to be staying in. I stared at my face, seeing that my eyes were glazed and puffy. My mind trailed off until I was thinking of Jimmy, and tears started pouring out again. I managed to drag myself over to the bed, and clutch the comforted. My chest heaved as sobs erupted from my throat. I tried to make it as silent as possible, so I wouldn’t disturb everybody else in the house. I turned over, so that I was facing the wall. Thankfully, I managed to fall asleep, an unconsciousness that stole me away from the horrible pain I was feeling.

I woke up with the sheets strewn everywhere. I remember having a nightmare, but I don’t remember what it was about, exactly. I threw my feet over the side of the bed, to go and take a well needed shower. I noticed a folded up piece of paper on the nightstand, my name scrawled on the front in Jimmy’s horrible handwriting. I picked it up, able to see the handwriting on the inside of the small note. Is this what the doctor found in Jimmy’s pocket? I put the note back down, and got up to take a shower. I turned on the water, and stripped off my clothes. I got in, and my body adjusted to the temperature. I didn’t care for a nice warm shower right now. I tried to let my thoughts escape me as I focused on washing myself up. I was a wreck, and it was very visible to see that.
I stepped out of the shower, and wrapped the towel around my body. I slid down to the floor why I dried off, staring at the wooden cabinets. I traced the lines on the wood with my eyes, trying to find patterns to occupy my mind with, until my butt started to go numb. I pushed myself up from the floor, and went out to my suitcase to get some clothes. After my undergarments, I pulled my legs into a pair of jeans, and slipped on an old Misfits shirt. My stomach growled as I got up, and I walked out to the living room. All the guys, Val, and Saleigh were gathered in there, and all the attention fell on me. I pursed my lips as I tried to suppress my tears, and I took the right that led into the kitchen. I pilfered through the fridge until I decided on leftover spaghetti that was sitting in there. I took it out, and plopped some on a plate, then stuffed it in the microwave. I noticed Val come in as I was putting the container away. All I could really do was look at her, and her own puffy red face. She had also been crying, evidently. The next thing I knew, her arms were wrapped around me as she was crying into my shoulder, as I ended up crying in hers.

“Payden,” I heard Zacky’s voice from the doorway. I pulled away from Val to look back over at him, wiping my eyes with the back of my hands.

“Yeah,” My voice wasn’t very audible.

“Did…did you get the note I left on the nightstand?” he didn’t look at me, and instead played with the hem at the bottom of his shirt.

“I did,” I said, leaving out the part where I was trying my best to avoid reading it.

“Okay,” he turned and left the kitchen. I maneuvered around Val as I opened the microwave, retrieving my food. I took out a fork, and started nibbling on it.

“Do, do you need help planning the funeral?” she asked as she stood next to me, and I nodded. I had a blank look on my face as I stared at a tile on the wall in front of me. She kissed me on the cheek before she turned to leave the room. Once I was done eating, I cleaned off the plate, and put it back in the cabinet. I avoided everybody’s looks as I went back to my room, and closed the door behind me. I got back in the bed, and stared at the folded up piece of paper. I really wanted to read it, but should I? I was unsure as my hand went out to reach for it, and I carefully unfolded the note.

[i]‘Dear Payden,

I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting lately. It’s just that my past has been chasing me lately, and it was putting me, you, and all of our friends in danger. It made it so much harder when you told me that you loved me that first time, I’m so sorry for the way I reacted to that. I love you so much, it hurts me. So very, very much. I wish I wouldn’t have let you walk out of that door, I wish I could be holding you right now, but I can’t risk anybody else’s life.’[/i]

Tears fell down onto the note, over what seemed to be already dry tears. I didn’t know who they belonged to, Jimmy, or if somebody else read this note before I did.

[i]‘So now that I’m gone, you all should be safe, and okay, and that’s all I could ever want. You’ve made me such a happy man, you have no idea. You helped me throw away my nasty drug addiction, and even forget about it, something nobody else would ever be able to make me do. I know I had a super secret and special New Years’ resolution, and I think I should tell you what it was. I was going to go back to school, and get my diploma. I know that’s something you would have loved. But I know you’ll be able to carry on without me, and you’ll find somebody who will make you far happier than I ever could, and give you things I know I couldn’t. I love you, Payden. No, I’m in love with you, and please, don’t ever forget that. I know you won’t ever be able to see me, but know that no matter what, I’ll always be right next to you, and only you, forever.

I love you, baby.

Jimmy.’[/i]

The tears fell down my face as I stared at the note. I clutched it to my chest as I looked up, wishing all of this had been a dream, and that I would just wake up.

©Shannon.

Notes

I think it's time for a mass update.

First, I has question. If any of you are into Jackass/Ville Valo, my best friend Saleigh and I are finishing a story about them entitled 'Take One Last Breath'. So far, it's got 37 chapters, and we're going to start posting as soon as it's up. If any of you'd like to read it, comment, and I'll put you on a notification list, and I'll link the story to you!

Thanks!

xoxo, Shannon.